Feelings, feelings, so many feelings... Can words really describe to another person what we feel? By putting it into words, in the greatest detail possible, are we giving the full picture or is there more?
I guess this is another case where words alone are not enough. It's like communicating through a text message or e-mail versus actually talking face to face; there's much more information that you get from the tone of the voice, body language etc. that words alone can't carry.
And then, even if someone "transmits" their feelings as best as they can, does the "receiver" really comprehend them fully? There are many factors that can influence that, for example previous experiences of your own that help you relate. Of course, like a good friend of mine says, relating to someone else's experience can give you a false sense of "understanding" based solely on your own experience. In other words, you think of your own similar experience and believe you totally get what the other person is going through without really trying to learn more in order to truly comprehend this specific feeling that isn't necessarily the same you have felt in the past.
Then, there are situations that you haven't ever experienced or even feelings you've never felt so when someone else is going through those there's no point of reference for you. Is it possible for you to completely understand in that case? I believe it is.
I believe there are people with a larger capacity to share another person's feelings, people that by nature have a greater level of empathy. And I think I might be like that.
I used to think I am simply over-emotional or sensitive but then I realised I would get "over-emotional" as I called it, at things I shouldn't; things I shouldn't be able to understand at all. I recall many times I was reading a book or watching a movie and someone was being wronged and I felt so angry and really wished I could be physically there and stop (often violently) the "bad" guy. Many times that I have had great compassion for women miscarrying, although no person close to me had something like that happen to them so I didn't have a relation to it. And other times, one of them this past week, when I've been extremely blissful seeing a woman holding her newborn baby in her hands, although of course I am not a father so it's not a case of "relating it to my own experience".
I could argue, however, that in all those examples I might be still drawing from my own feelings of anger or sadness or happiness from different situations I have gone through in my life. I am undecided, honestly. Maybe it's not important even, I'm not looking to apply a label here, it doesn't matter if I'm "hypersensitive" instead of "empathic" or maybe neither.
What is important to me, is the realisation that all this "drama" is vital and necessary to me. It gives me energy. But like all things, it needs a balance as well. I'll enjoy some good crying every now and then from watching a drama show or listening to a sad song but I'll need some comedy in my week to lighten things up too.
And then there's another feeling that needs nurturing as well. Like all the other emotions that I mirror from the shows I watch or books I read, I also want the feeling of romantic love. Especially love between two men, which I can relate to so it's even more intense. That's something that yaoi manga and anime cover for me lately.
For me, yaoi (or I guess I should say shounen-ai, which focuses less on the sex scenes) is like porn for feelings. People watch porn to help them get off, I watch yaoi to satisfy or provoke, I guess, certain feelings of mine.
See, I don't view it as a substitute for the real feeling nor do I feel envious or sorry that I don't have that at the moment. I see it as a great aid in visualising what I want, which I believe is an essential thing in order to attract that in my life. In reading/watching a gay couple's story I can share the excitement, the closeness, the longing and the warmth you feel inside when you're in love and I feel happy and I generate good thoughts and attraction. I can tell myself "this feeling you get from this, you can have it once more and in a much bigger degree when love comes round again so just ask the universe for it, honestly and openly" and that's what I do.
I have been in love before, but I don't think I ever really knew what it was I was looking for. And naturally, it wouldn't last for long and would end badly, exactly because it wasn't "it". I am not trying to discredit my past feelings or those relationships. They were true, and at the moment felt really gigantic, and I am not denying that, but there was always something missing because there were things missing from me. Things that no partner can give you but you have to find yourself.
I don't believe people are fundamentally incomplete and in need of "another half" to make them a whole. Instead, I believe you have to feel complete and good with yourself before starting a relationship in order for it to grow and be healthy. That's something I lacked in the past. I saw myself full of holes and needed someone to fill the void. (Oh god, what a can of worms have I opened with the possible puns on that last sentence...)
I have worked hard on discovering myself since then. It has been a long trip and I don't think it'll ever end, not that I'd want it to. But I don't feel incomplete anymore. I don't need someone to fill the "void" and I don't want to fill the void in anyone's heart either. I am nobody's nurse and nobody's patient. I don't want someone to lead me nor someone to follow me. I want someone who also feels complete on their own, to walk beside me.
I know that my love is out there somewhere although I don't know where or who it is. But I know we're both moving as fast as we can towards each other, anticipating the moment we'll finally meet. I can't wait. But until then, I'm really happy too.
Κάπου Υπάρχει Η Αγάπη Μου ~ My Love Is Out There Somewhere
written by Manos Hatzidakis, sung by Nana Mouskouri
Τώρα που είναι άνοιξη
και τα λουλούδια ανθίζουν
οι νύχτες με ζαλίζουνε
τ' αγόρια όταν σφυρίζουν.
Κι όσους τα βράδια συναντώ
μου λένε καλησπέρα
μα εγώ δεν έχω τι να πω
σφυρίζω στον αγέρα.
Κάπου υπάρχει η αγάπη μου
μα δεν ξέρω ποια 'ναι
κάπου υπάρχει η αγάπη μου
μα δεν ξέρω πού.
Θα την γυρέψω στα χαρτιά,
θα την γυρέψω στ' άστρα
μα σαν την βρω τ' ορκίζομαι
πως θα ντυθώ μεσ' τ' άσπρα.
~ ~ ~
Now that spring has come
and the flowers are blooming
the nights make me dizzy
when boys start whistling
And those boys I meet at night
they tell me "good evening"
but I have nothing to say
I just whistle in the wind
My love is out there somewhere
but I don't know who it is
My love is out there somewhere
but I don't know where
I will look for it in the cards
I will search in the stars
But when I find it, I swear to you
that I will dress up in white
 |
| That's... not what I meant at all! |
I guess this is another case where words alone are not enough. It's like communicating through a text message or e-mail versus actually talking face to face; there's much more information that you get from the tone of the voice, body language etc. that words alone can't carry.
And then, even if someone "transmits" their feelings as best as they can, does the "receiver" really comprehend them fully? There are many factors that can influence that, for example previous experiences of your own that help you relate. Of course, like a good friend of mine says, relating to someone else's experience can give you a false sense of "understanding" based solely on your own experience. In other words, you think of your own similar experience and believe you totally get what the other person is going through without really trying to learn more in order to truly comprehend this specific feeling that isn't necessarily the same you have felt in the past.
Then, there are situations that you haven't ever experienced or even feelings you've never felt so when someone else is going through those there's no point of reference for you. Is it possible for you to completely understand in that case? I believe it is.
I believe there are people with a larger capacity to share another person's feelings, people that by nature have a greater level of empathy. And I think I might be like that.
I used to think I am simply over-emotional or sensitive but then I realised I would get "over-emotional" as I called it, at things I shouldn't; things I shouldn't be able to understand at all. I recall many times I was reading a book or watching a movie and someone was being wronged and I felt so angry and really wished I could be physically there and stop (often violently) the "bad" guy. Many times that I have had great compassion for women miscarrying, although no person close to me had something like that happen to them so I didn't have a relation to it. And other times, one of them this past week, when I've been extremely blissful seeing a woman holding her newborn baby in her hands, although of course I am not a father so it's not a case of "relating it to my own experience".
I could argue, however, that in all those examples I might be still drawing from my own feelings of anger or sadness or happiness from different situations I have gone through in my life. I am undecided, honestly. Maybe it's not important even, I'm not looking to apply a label here, it doesn't matter if I'm "hypersensitive" instead of "empathic" or maybe neither.
What is important to me, is the realisation that all this "drama" is vital and necessary to me. It gives me energy. But like all things, it needs a balance as well. I'll enjoy some good crying every now and then from watching a drama show or listening to a sad song but I'll need some comedy in my week to lighten things up too.
And then there's another feeling that needs nurturing as well. Like all the other emotions that I mirror from the shows I watch or books I read, I also want the feeling of romantic love. Especially love between two men, which I can relate to so it's even more intense. That's something that yaoi manga and anime cover for me lately.
See, I don't view it as a substitute for the real feeling nor do I feel envious or sorry that I don't have that at the moment. I see it as a great aid in visualising what I want, which I believe is an essential thing in order to attract that in my life. In reading/watching a gay couple's story I can share the excitement, the closeness, the longing and the warmth you feel inside when you're in love and I feel happy and I generate good thoughts and attraction. I can tell myself "this feeling you get from this, you can have it once more and in a much bigger degree when love comes round again so just ask the universe for it, honestly and openly" and that's what I do.
I have been in love before, but I don't think I ever really knew what it was I was looking for. And naturally, it wouldn't last for long and would end badly, exactly because it wasn't "it". I am not trying to discredit my past feelings or those relationships. They were true, and at the moment felt really gigantic, and I am not denying that, but there was always something missing because there were things missing from me. Things that no partner can give you but you have to find yourself.
I don't believe people are fundamentally incomplete and in need of "another half" to make them a whole. Instead, I believe you have to feel complete and good with yourself before starting a relationship in order for it to grow and be healthy. That's something I lacked in the past. I saw myself full of holes and needed someone to fill the void. (Oh god, what a can of worms have I opened with the possible puns on that last sentence...)
I have worked hard on discovering myself since then. It has been a long trip and I don't think it'll ever end, not that I'd want it to. But I don't feel incomplete anymore. I don't need someone to fill the "void" and I don't want to fill the void in anyone's heart either. I am nobody's nurse and nobody's patient. I don't want someone to lead me nor someone to follow me. I want someone who also feels complete on their own, to walk beside me.
I know that my love is out there somewhere although I don't know where or who it is. But I know we're both moving as fast as we can towards each other, anticipating the moment we'll finally meet. I can't wait. But until then, I'm really happy too.
Κάπου Υπάρχει Η Αγάπη Μου ~ My Love Is Out There Somewhere
written by Manos Hatzidakis, sung by Nana Mouskouri
Τώρα που είναι άνοιξη
και τα λουλούδια ανθίζουν
οι νύχτες με ζαλίζουνε
τ' αγόρια όταν σφυρίζουν.
Κι όσους τα βράδια συναντώ
μου λένε καλησπέρα
μα εγώ δεν έχω τι να πω
σφυρίζω στον αγέρα.
Κάπου υπάρχει η αγάπη μου
μα δεν ξέρω ποια 'ναι
κάπου υπάρχει η αγάπη μου
μα δεν ξέρω πού.
Θα την γυρέψω στα χαρτιά,
θα την γυρέψω στ' άστρα
μα σαν την βρω τ' ορκίζομαι
πως θα ντυθώ μεσ' τ' άσπρα.
~ ~ ~
Now that spring has come
and the flowers are blooming
the nights make me dizzy
when boys start whistling
And those boys I meet at night
they tell me "good evening"
but I have nothing to say
I just whistle in the wind
My love is out there somewhere
but I don't know who it is
My love is out there somewhere
but I don't know where
I will look for it in the cards
I will search in the stars
But when I find it, I swear to you
that I will dress up in white
0 comments:
Post a Comment