I feel like the past year and especially the past 5-6 months have been the happiest of my life. So much that I came to a point of doubting that exact thing. I started questioning if I was really happy or deceiving myself. Wondering when something bad will happen to destroy this happiness I felt. I reached a point when I couldn't really believe I could be so blissful. I doubted myself and I feel so betrayed by myself right now that I'm writing this.
I let other people's definitions of happiness and success attack my own state and try to reduce it. And it wasn't even that someone else specifically did that, it was my own perception of what others might think that gave birth to that doubt. I gave in to pressure that I felt was there, only to realize that it was me who was imagining it and eventually creating it.
Having said all that and having thought a lot about this whole thing, I feel much more at peace now. I've come to the conclusion that I don't need to "throw away" this past period of happiness by labeling it as a lie or deception. It is not that. It is just that I've come to a point where I want more things. It doesn't mean I need more things to become happy, I am happy right now, like this. But I still want something more.
I used to think that if I said I wanted more that meant I wasn't satisfied or happy, and that would make me ungrateful. I don't believe that anymore. I am indeed grateful for all I have. I feel loved. I feel love, endless love for many people, my friends, my family, the strangers in the streets, the fictional characters I read or write about, the nature surrounding me, and so many more things. I don't take that as granted and I am ever thankful for having all that love. I am happy. And I still want some more things.
I want to find my purpose in life, find a job that I love to do and continue being happy through it while also helping other people and channelling love to them. And I want to find my love, my romantic love, as well.
I have been on my own for quite some time now. And I've loved every single day of this period. Well, maybe not every one but close. At first I wasn't okay with it at all, I felt like I needed someone with me. Someone to help me, to fill a void I felt I had. I've long gotten over that, thankfully, and I am absolutely happy on my own. I don't need anyone by me. But I want someone there. Not to fill a hole and make me complete, I am the one responsible for myself, but a companion. Someone to share all the amazing things I'm experiencing with.
Where does all this leave me? I no longer doubt myself. (Although I've said that before and eventually did it again... Live and learn, my ass! :P) I am the one defining my happiness and what's best for me. And I'm the one who decides if I want more and the one responsible to go get them.
So go get them, okay? Do your best!
I let other people's definitions of happiness and success attack my own state and try to reduce it. And it wasn't even that someone else specifically did that, it was my own perception of what others might think that gave birth to that doubt. I gave in to pressure that I felt was there, only to realize that it was me who was imagining it and eventually creating it.
Having said all that and having thought a lot about this whole thing, I feel much more at peace now. I've come to the conclusion that I don't need to "throw away" this past period of happiness by labeling it as a lie or deception. It is not that. It is just that I've come to a point where I want more things. It doesn't mean I need more things to become happy, I am happy right now, like this. But I still want something more.
I used to think that if I said I wanted more that meant I wasn't satisfied or happy, and that would make me ungrateful. I don't believe that anymore. I am indeed grateful for all I have. I feel loved. I feel love, endless love for many people, my friends, my family, the strangers in the streets, the fictional characters I read or write about, the nature surrounding me, and so many more things. I don't take that as granted and I am ever thankful for having all that love. I am happy. And I still want some more things.
I want to find my purpose in life, find a job that I love to do and continue being happy through it while also helping other people and channelling love to them. And I want to find my love, my romantic love, as well.
I have been on my own for quite some time now. And I've loved every single day of this period. Well, maybe not every one but close. At first I wasn't okay with it at all, I felt like I needed someone with me. Someone to help me, to fill a void I felt I had. I've long gotten over that, thankfully, and I am absolutely happy on my own. I don't need anyone by me. But I want someone there. Not to fill a hole and make me complete, I am the one responsible for myself, but a companion. Someone to share all the amazing things I'm experiencing with.
Where does all this leave me? I no longer doubt myself. (Although I've said that before and eventually did it again... Live and learn, my ass! :P) I am the one defining my happiness and what's best for me. And I'm the one who decides if I want more and the one responsible to go get them.
So go get them, okay? Do your best!
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