O.K.A.Y.

An angel's face is tricky to wear constantly...

2012-01-08T20:56:00.001+02:00

What causes people to close up and not talk? Why do people who have so much to say to each other end up saying nothing but a simple "hello", if that?

Yeah, this isn't gonna be a very happy post.

An easy answer, but also one which is usually true is that it's a defence mechanism. We all have our little own worlds that we live in and often we'll go at lengths to protect the order of this worldview of ours. Other people with different worldviews can clash with our own and that can lead to disappointment, anger, frustration, and a general discomfort. It's not necessarily that we can't support our arguments against theirs or that it really matters what someone else thinks. But being in a constant state of arguing with each other because we have different opinions on some subjects isn't pleasant at all. So it's sometimes easier to just say nothing.

Even with people close to you, people who you'd want to have open and honest relationships with, it's not always achievable. Of course, in this case, with people you value more than others, you also care about what they think and their opinions so it's harder when they disagree with yours. Even on a small level, you kind of seek their approval so it hurts when you get shut down instead.

But even when you don't really care what the other person thinks, and you don't need to agree on everything, it's taxing to share things important you only to have them criticised and belittled. There are people who constantly nag and can't find good in anything. You might not give a damn about their opinion, but it's not pleasing to hear it anyway because it can bring you down and ruin your otherwise good mood.

So it's easier to withhold everything important to you and only speak when it's needed, for trivial matters only. What's not easy is that you end up so withdrawn at some point that you don't want to talk to anyone. Or you do but there's nobody you trust to talk to.

I guess there are alternatives, of course. You can keep sharing yours and "fighting" opposing worldviews. You can grow a thicker skin so that you can simply dismiss others' opinions without them affecting you in any way. Somehow. If anyone's got tips about achieving this last part, please tell me!

And maybe you can brush it aside with a joke and play it for laughs or something. For example, my brother keeps telling me to be careful when I go out because "it's dangerous and crime rates are rising" or who knows what else (I admit I've started not to pay attention) because he gets too worried. It's supposed to be caring, I know that, but to me it provides nothing. If you're gonna tell me to avoid a certain street because there's something going on there right now, feel free, but telling me to "watch out! everyone's out to get you!" everytime you see me go out isn't helping at all. What it usually accomplished, the couple of times when I took it to heart was to make me ultra-suspicious and scared when I was out, constantly checking to see if anyone's following me, and plainly ruined my walk each time. I've told him many times to stop worrying so much, and that I do know how to take care of myself and be careful, I've even told him that his excessive worrying pisses me off but nothing changes. I don't know, maybe next time he tells me to be careful I'll just smile and say "don't worry, I've got it, I'll take my katana with me! ;)" or something.

Winter Solstice!

2011-12-22T15:19:00.001+02:00

It's today! The sun is reborn and the day starts getting longer again... I even made a cake to celebrate! :)

It's Jamie Oliver's lemon and almond cake, actually. Pretty yummy!

"Remember, the light is born every day"

Is it all or nothing, all the time?

2011-12-17T18:31:00.000+02:00

Do I have to make everything "perfect" or if I can't then it's best to not do it at all? What if something goes wrong and it becomes clear that the original goal can't be achieved? Is abandoning the whole project the answer then?

That's pretty much what I have been doing for a long time now. And it's not someone else's idea of "perfect" that I am trying to adhere to. It's my own perception of how something should be done. And if for some reason I believe I can't do it like that, I lose interest. I prefer to do nothing if I can't do it right. And I have started to think that this isn't really working.

It's good to have standards. And it's good to have goals. Even hard ones. It's fine to set the bar high. But that's not all there is.

What I'm thinking currently, is that I should still make plans and schedules to achieve certain objectives. And even if it doesn't seem like I'm going to succeed sometimes, instead of giving it up altogether, I will continue to try and do my best in that direction. If there's not enough time, instead of scrapping the project, I'll do as much as I can, the best that I can do, and extend the deadline if that's possible. If I don't have the ability or the resources to make something "awesome", I'll still try and make the best that I can with what I have now. Perfection is a good motivation but not necessarily a realistic goal.

After all, it's okay giving up things you don't want to do because that will free up time that you can use for more pleasant activities. But it's a shame giving up things you love because you feel you should be at a certain level of expertise for them, and then being left with nothing to do. I have certainly been there.

Therefore, my slogan for now is definitely "Don't give up. Do your best!"

Too Happy?

2011-12-14T14:21:00.000+02:00

I feel like the past year and especially the past 5-6 months have been the happiest of my life. So much that I came to a point of doubting that exact thing. I started questioning if I was really happy or deceiving myself. Wondering when something bad will happen to destroy this happiness I felt. I reached a point when I couldn't really believe I could be so blissful. I doubted myself and I feel so betrayed by myself right now that I'm writing this.

I let other people's definitions of happiness and success attack my own state and try to reduce it. And it wasn't even that someone else specifically did that, it was my own perception of what others might think that gave birth to that doubt. I gave in to pressure that I felt was there, only to realize that it was me who was imagining it and eventually creating it.

Having said all that and having thought a lot about this whole thing, I feel much more at peace now. I've come to the conclusion that I don't need to "throw away" this past period of happiness by labeling it as a lie or deception. It is not that. It is just that I've come to a point where I want more things. It doesn't mean I need more things to become happy, I am happy right now, like this. But I still want something more.

I used to think that if I said I wanted more that meant I wasn't satisfied or happy, and that would make me ungrateful. I don't believe that anymore. I am indeed grateful for all I have. I feel loved. I feel love, endless love for many people, my friends, my family, the strangers in the streets, the fictional characters I read or write about, the nature surrounding me, and so many more things. I don't take that as granted and I am ever thankful for having all that love. I am happy. And I still want some more things.

I want to find my purpose in life, find a job that I love to do and continue being happy through it while also helping other people and channelling love to them. And I want to find my love, my romantic love, as well.

I have been on my own for quite some time now. And I've loved every single day of this period. Well, maybe not every one but close. At first I wasn't okay with it at all, I felt like I needed someone with me. Someone to help me, to fill a void I felt I had. I've long gotten over that, thankfully, and I am absolutely happy on my own. I don't need anyone by me. But I want someone there. Not to fill a hole and make me complete, I am the one responsible for myself, but a companion. Someone to share all the amazing things I'm experiencing with.

Where does all this leave me? I no longer doubt myself. (Although I've said that before and eventually did it again... Live and learn, my ass! :P) I am the one defining my happiness and what's best for me. And I'm the one who decides if I want more and the one responsible to go get them.

So go get them, okay? Do your best!

Ample space, again

2011-12-02T12:35:00.000+02:00

My monitor had been broken for about a month now. One morning it just wouldn't turn on. Unfortunately, it has been a few months now that its warranty expired so I was out of luck (and out of money) and I had to borrow an old monitor from my brother. (Thank god for that, I went without my pc for 1 day and it almost drove me nuts... more on that later) You know the kind, the older, smaller screen but huge body monitors that occupy your whole desk. I used to have one just like that 3-4 years ago. But after these years with a 22'' widescreen flat monitor, going back to a bulky, 15'' one was a shock.

Watching movies, reading manga, even simple browsing was no fun when everything is so crowded and tiny. Anyway, I've finally had my monitor fixed and just changed back to it a few minutes ago. Everything looks so good! My desktop (both literally and figuratively) has so much space again! Another happy day here! :)

A Quiet November

2011-11-26T11:31:00.000+02:00

It's been a quiet November, huh?

Yeah, I can't even remember when I last wrote something here. I mean, I just saw it when I logged in, it was about 38 days ago, but it feels like it's been ages.

I guess I didn't have much to write about or not enough drive to sit down and write. I'm leaning towards the second explanation actually. But I want to make a comeback (and this is not it, this is just a "warm up" of sorts, to get back into the habit of writing) and talk more. It's not like there's nothing to talk about anyway, I've been doing some new things, trying and giving up others, and there's always thoughts and feelings about existing situations that I need to explore.

So, that's all for today, getting back into it bit by bit after all.

from Empathy Rd. to Love Ave. (through Yaoi St.)

2011-10-16T01:39:00.004+03:00

Feelings, feelings, so many feelings... Can words really describe to another person what we feel? By putting it into words, in the greatest detail possible, are we giving the full picture or is there more?

That's... not what I meant at all!

I guess this is another case where words alone are not enough. It's like communicating through a text message or e-mail versus actually talking face to face; there's much more information that you get from the tone of the voice, body language etc. that words alone can't carry.

And then, even if someone "transmits" their feelings as best as they can, does the "receiver" really comprehend them fully? There are many factors that can influence that, for example previous experiences of your own that help you relate. Of course, like a good friend of mine says, relating to someone else's experience can give you a false sense of "understanding" based solely on your own experience. In other words, you think of your own similar experience and believe you totally get what the other person is going through without really trying to learn more in order to truly comprehend this specific feeling that isn't necessarily the same you have felt in the past.

Then, there are situations that you haven't ever experienced or even feelings you've never felt so when someone else is going through those there's no point of reference for you. Is it possible for you to completely understand in that case? I believe it is.

I believe there are people with a larger capacity to share another person's feelings, people that by nature have a greater level of empathy. And I think I might be like that.

I used to think I am simply over-emotional or sensitive but then I realised I would get "over-emotional" as I called it, at things I shouldn't; things I shouldn't be able to understand at all. I recall many times I was reading a book or watching a movie and someone was being wronged and I felt so angry and really wished I could be physically there and stop (often violently) the "bad" guy. Many times that I have had great compassion for women miscarrying, although no person close to me had something like that happen to them so I didn't have a relation to it. And other times, one of them this past week, when I've been extremely blissful seeing a woman holding her newborn baby in her hands, although of course I am not a father so it's not a case of "relating it to my own experience".

I could argue, however, that in all those examples I might be still drawing from my own feelings of anger or sadness or happiness from different situations I have gone through in my life. I am undecided, honestly. Maybe it's not important even, I'm not looking to apply a label here, it doesn't matter if I'm "hypersensitive" instead of "empathic" or maybe neither.

What is important to me, is the realisation that all this "drama" is vital and necessary to me. It gives me energy. But like all things, it needs a balance as well. I'll enjoy some good crying every now and then from watching a drama show or listening to a sad song but I'll need some comedy in my week to lighten things up too.

And then there's another feeling that needs nurturing as well. Like all the other emotions that I mirror from the shows I watch or books I read, I also want the feeling of romantic love. Especially love between two men, which I can relate to so it's even more intense. That's something that yaoi manga and anime cover for me lately.

For me, yaoi (or I guess I should say shounen-ai, which focuses less on the sex scenes) is like porn for feelings. People watch porn to help them get off, I watch yaoi to satisfy or provoke, I guess, certain feelings of mine.

See, I don't view it as a substitute for the real feeling nor do I feel envious or sorry that I don't have that at the moment. I see it as a great aid in visualising what I want, which I believe is an essential thing in order to attract that in my life. In reading/watching a gay couple's story I can share the excitement, the closeness, the longing and the warmth you feel inside when you're in love and I feel happy and I generate good thoughts and attraction. I can tell myself "this feeling you get from this, you can have it once more and in a much bigger degree when love comes round again so just ask the universe for it, honestly and openly" and that's what I do.

I have been in love before, but I don't think I ever really knew what it was I was looking for. And naturally, it wouldn't last for long and would end badly, exactly because it wasn't "it". I am not trying to discredit my past feelings or those relationships. They were true, and at the moment felt really gigantic, and I am not denying that, but there was always something missing because there were things missing from me. Things that no partner can give you but you have to find yourself.

I don't believe people are fundamentally incomplete and in need of "another half" to make them a whole. Instead, I believe you have to feel complete and good with yourself before starting a relationship in order for it to grow and be healthy. That's something I lacked in the past. I saw myself full of holes and needed someone to fill the void. (Oh god, what a can of worms have I opened with the possible puns on that last sentence...)

I have worked hard on discovering myself since then. It has been a long trip and I don't think it'll ever end, not that I'd want it to. But I don't feel incomplete anymore. I don't need someone to fill the "void" and I don't want to fill the void in anyone's heart either. I am nobody's nurse and nobody's patient. I don't want someone to lead me nor someone to follow me. I want someone who also feels complete on their own, to walk beside me.

I know that my love is out there somewhere although I don't know where or who it is. But I know we're both moving as fast as we can towards each other, anticipating the moment we'll finally meet. I can't wait. But until then, I'm really happy too.

Κάπου Υπάρχει Η Αγάπη Μου ~ My Love Is Out There Somewhere
written by Manos Hatzidakis, sung by Nana Mouskouri

Τώρα που είναι άνοιξη
και τα λουλούδια ανθίζουν
οι νύχτες με ζαλίζουνε
τ' αγόρια όταν σφυρίζουν.

Κι όσους τα βράδια συναντώ
μου λένε καλησπέρα
μα εγώ δεν έχω τι να πω
σφυρίζω στον αγέρα.

Κάπου υπάρχει η αγάπη μου
μα δεν ξέρω ποια 'ναι
κάπου υπάρχει η αγάπη μου
μα δεν ξέρω πού.

Θα την γυρέψω στα χαρτιά,
θα την γυρέψω στ' άστρα
μα σαν την βρω τ' ορκίζομαι
πως θα ντυθώ μεσ' τ' άσπρα.

~ ~ ~

Now that spring has come
and the flowers are blooming
the nights make me dizzy
when boys start whistling

And those boys I meet at night
they tell me "good evening"
but I have nothing to say
I just whistle in the wind

My love is out there somewhere
but I don't know who it is
My love is out there somewhere
but I don't know where

I will look for it in the cards
I will search in the stars
But when I find it, I swear to you
that I will dress up in white

Silence

2011-10-11T17:50:00.001+03:00

One of my favourite video-games is Final Fantasy X. I have finished it at least 4 times, I usually pick it up from the beginning every couple of years and relive it all.

Favourite character? Lulu, of course.

I love her magic power, intrigued by magic as a concept in general, and if I could I would love to be able to shoot fireballs or any other elemental magic. But the first spell I would want to be able to cast is Silence.

In the game, enemies (or player characters) afflicted by Silence can't cast magic spells. I guess the inspiration for that spell, from the older Final Fantasy games where it originated (it was called MUTE back then) was that a mage who couldn't speak wouldn't be able to say the words for the spells so they were unable to cast magic at all.

I used to think, back in high school, that I would love to be able to snap my fingers and silence people just like that. I used to hear so many idiotic things being said that I couldn't stand it. I simply wanted to shut some people up.

Eventually I stopped thinking too much about it. I mean, now I usually ignore people like that, I turn the volume in my headphones louder and move on. Or if I think they're being so stupid that something needs to be said, I say it. I don't feel the need to reprieve them of their right to speak up, even if what they say is absolutely stupid. That's just what I think anyway, right?

This past week I wish once again that I could cast Silence though. Not for people so much, but for anything that causes noise. Suddenly my neighbours from upstairs start moving stuff around, my new neighbour next door is loud late at night and to make matters worse, my pc fans start sounding like a steam engine running.

I don't know if it's a coincidence. I can't believe everything was quiet before and started being so noisy now. On the other hand, I have recently started yoga and meditation (which is specifically hard when there's so much distraction) and I can't help but think I might have started becoming more sensitive to noise? And maybe that's a challenge I need to overcome, to become able to block unwanted sounds and focus on what I think is important. That's one of the things meditation is about anyway.

Yes, I know what you think of me, you never shut up...

Hymn To Love

2011-09-30T22:35:00.002+03:00

Can there really be love that has limits?

Can there truly be love that comes with conditions?

I think not.

What I call love is by definition both unconditional and unlimited. It's the force that I believe joins everything and everyone together. It's that force that we need to tap into when we want to make something magnificent.

It's love that I'm channeling to my plants when I'm watering them and communicating with them. It's that little extra I can give them besides water and fertilizer to make them grow.

Some things I love? I love cats... :)

It's love that I'm feeling for all the ingredients that went into the dough I'm kneading. Love for the ingredients themselves and their nutritional role, love for the bread I'm going to bake and love for my family and people who I'll share it with.

I love this stranger's eyes...

It's love that I'm giving to my niece when I'm trying to teach her something or when I'm trying to calm her down although she might be angry at me at that moment.

It's the essential ingredient for pure and genuine communication for me.

I love this picture...

We are all here on this planet, alive, and that's a miracle in itself. What's greater than that? What's not to love?

I love Jun Fukuyama's voice...

Marvin's Room is one of my favourite movies and this scene in particular:

I love!

"...See what sticks."

2011-09-16T16:07:00.001+03:00

I re-started this blog about 6 months ago with a post titled "Throw it on the wall..." After these 6 months, I think it's time to look back and see what stayed stuck on the wall!

source: itsawonderfulworld.com's photostream

I had no special objective in mind relating to this blog. It was a "whatever I feel like writing in the moment" kind of thing.

Something constant was the inclusion of (at least) one music video to close each post, often together with the lyrics (with relevant parts bolded) which is pretty natural because I live with music. Every day, unless I'm watching a show or something, there's music always on. Music while browsing, music while showering, music while doing chores, music while working out, music while reading (although I'm trying to stop that, at least when reading something important), music while cooking, music while pretty much everything. I love to associate songs with specific moments or feelings, with a specific person or a period of my life, and so I have songs that I love to bring up when I'm talking about any subject. That's why I like to include the videos, because to me they are a companion to the posts I'm writing, so that's definitely staying.

Things I talked about ranged from rants about things that were happening to me at the moment to tv shows or anime I was watching. Sometimes I talked about food, although I never got around to posting any recipes ultimately. I've thought about that, and although I may still discuss food I'll save any recipes and related talk for a different blog. I will probably need something more professional anyway now that I'm starting out my career as a cook and this "a little bit of everything" blog won't do for that.

I believe that this blog turned out to be more about me than anything else. Of course, a blog is always about the person writing it more or less, but what I mean is it sorta became a place where I held conversations with myself. I've always found comfort in writing (I used to write poems and lyrics until a few years back) and I have once more discovered that it helps me think more clearly. It's like talking with myself and psychoanalyzing on my own.

That's very important and useful for me, but why would it need to be online? Why don't I just keep a diary or something? I don't know the answer to that question yet (but maybe I'll find it now that I'm writing this here!) but I kinda need this to be out in the open. Even if no one is reading this, I'll know that I have put it out here. I'll know that it's something that I have already shared so I'll feel open to discuss it when it comes up in some discussion. It's like a first step in opening up, I suppose. And I need that. So this stays here for now.

I changed the banner and colour scheme of the blog to reflect this shift of focus. If I can sum it up in a few words it would be "let's have some coffee and talk". Cappuccino is my favourite coffee and Alanis Morissette's song "No Pressure Over Cappuccino" is one of my favourite songs. It has taken special meaning for me since the time when we were drinking cappuccinos with my cousin (the previously mentioned Zigu-chan) and I told her that I'm gay, a few years back. That was the beginning of a new relationship for us, we've grown closer and shared much more since then, therefore it was a very significant moment. That's why I've used this nickname for this blog but now it makes even more sense to me. It's me and me, talking to each other, having coffee. You're free to share a cup of coffee with us and join the conversation if you feel like it. :)

Reclaim Your Fire

2011-09-15T00:44:00.000+03:00

Lately I'm feeling stuck. Not moving at all, no progress whatsoever, just shut in. And it's true, sadly. At least in a pragmatic level.

My friend said it's because I lack a vision. A dream. And she's right. At the moment, I really don't have one. So how could I get what I want when I don't even know what it is in the first place?

I have been training or learning things all of my life, and usually not knowing why. Building up an "arsenal" of skills that ends up being useless because there's no goal. And I'll often give up something exactly because of that, because I don't see the point. And up until now I've been told by others and in the end accepted it and told myself too that this is what I do. That I quit. But that's not true. I did quit some things but that doesn't mean that I generally do that. That's a generalisation that can be misleading and completely misses the point. And I had fallen victim to it.

I used to just admit that "I'm a quitter" and leave it at that. Went on my life always fearing that I'll quit again with the next thing I started. And many times I did quit again, but that's what I expected anyway so of course I influenced the outcome. But I refuse that label anymore. I'm not a quitter. I choose not to accept that characteristic and instead want to focus on each specific incident and discover the reason that I quit each time.

I am on a journey. Trying to remember what's been forgotten, re-discover what has been lost, erase what's been wrongly accepted as truth, reclaim my fire and my dream.

Job’s coffin looks down
to see what mankind is gonna do

There is a grid of disempowerment
All forces are being called to dismantle this
as Job’s coffin looks down
There exists a power of old
who wanted earth to be controlled
but she and she alone is her own
she is her own

Job’s coffin looks down
at the day you shut your power down
You must out-create that destructive tendency
let your fire starter hear the fury
Sister, it's time to bring it back on-line
as Job's coffin looks down
Job's coffin looks down
to see what you're gonna do

Not So Bad

2011-09-11T00:53:00.001+03:00

Hello fellow readers! (I have readers? Outside of the people in my head, that is?)

Just pretend you didn't read that part... ALL OF YOU!

The last couple of days I've been in a major cleaning spree. It all began about a month ago when I moved my bed. (Funny how some things can escalate!)

Since then I have de-cluttered a lot, A LOT! My closet has ample space once more. My desk is not a mess anymore. I can tell you where everything is located with eyes closed. It's almost a miracle!

As I was saying, the last couple of days I have been cleaning everything (and that means EVERYTHING) re-organizing a lot and it's all without much effort. I actually like it! It feels so good.

I re-organized the kitchen drawers and cupboards (still need to do the pantry and fridge though), cleaned the iron and its water deposit with vinegar (will become relevant later), cleaned the washing machine's filter and drum, re-folded and re-organized the bathroom towels, spent almost an entire afternoon cleaning my computer's keyboard (I used to think I needed to buy a new one but in reality I had never cleaned it before... you won't believe how much dirt it had on!) and probably a few more things I don't remember right now.

Today though, disaster stroke. Well, not really a disaster but I can't help feeding my drama queen personality every now and then! When I was cleaning the iron some of the water had dripped on the kitchen floor (water mixed 1-1 with vinegar that is) and last night I realized there was a stain on the floor. Thinking it was a hard water stain I poured more vinegar on it and let it soak. Little did I know at the time that it was exactly vinegar that had caused it in the first place...

Yeah, I didn't mention that it's a marble floor, did I? Apparently vinegar damages marble and it's not just a stain by the way, it's an etching which is kinda worse. So, yeah, I fucked it up worse with that.

Nothing compared to that of course.

That really bummed me out, and then my brother called to ask me if I could return an mp3 player he had given me like, 5 years ago (could be even more now that I think of it... it was a 128MB player, go figure!) and I don't have that thing anymore! I'm not even sure what I did with it, I might have already returned it and we both forgot it or there's a huge possibility that I threw it away (well, recycled it is more likely) after I got a phone with 8GB storage for mp3s (which happened over 3 years ago) so yeah... There's nothing to return here! I felt bad about it of course, no matter if it's not something expensive nowadays.

Anyway, after mopping (the floor) and moping for a couple of hours I kinda cheered up. About the mp3 thingy, there's nothing I can do anymore, if it's gone it's gone. I can offer to get him a new one, so that's one thing. No need to mope about that, right? And the floor... Well, I'll see if I can make it any better (found something online about using baking soda to somehow fix it, so I'm trying that for now) and if I can't I'll get an expert to fix it eventually, when I can afford it. But even so, it's not something to cry about. Things get broken, damaged or lost but if we're still here, alive and healthy, then I guess it's never too bad. I can live with an ugly spot on my kitchen floor for a while. Maybe I'll even give it a name and make friends with it, then it might even seem somehow beautiful. (I'm getting really deep here baby!)

Err... No, that wasn't an innuendo!

The moral of this story? (Besides "don't use things on other things unless you're sure they won't react badly" and "always do the research FIRST") Everyone fucks up once in a while. If you can go for very long periods of your life without any mistakes then kudos to you! But if you do fuck up now and then, it's not a reason to break down or anything. Everyone and I mean E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E does. As long as no lives are lost, it's not so bad. Either it can be fixed, so you fix it, or it can't so you move on. Isn't that a great way of thinking? (Hint: if it comes from me it's obviously great!)

And that's how I want to look at this incident today, not as a mistake that destroyed my last days streak of achievements but as something that further validates those achievements. I did good on so many things these last days that eventually it was almost natural for one thing to go wrong. But if I saw it as a sign that it's all futile and meaningless cause things can always go wrong I'd have lost the battle. No, I'd have lost the whole war then. I choose to see it as a lesson, to further remind me that although I might be good at some things, I still have lots to learn in order to be more efficient in the future without repeating the same mistakes. Sometimes a small mistake now can prevent much bigger ones in the future.

And I'll close with a character song from one my new favourite anime series, Working!!, which also inspired the post's title.

It all seems so normal. It isn't.

This is not so bad from Hiroshi Kamiya, I have no idea what the lyrics say as I don't know japanese (yet!) but I like the song and it feels very positive anyway so I have a good feeling it relates. :)

As Free As My Hair

2011-09-06T23:51:00.000+03:00

I got a haircut a couple of days ago. It was literally the best hair-cutting session I've ever had! My stylist listened (and I mean *really* listened) to what I wanted and managed to achieve it. She was friendly and we were chatting very comfortably during the whole thing, no awkward and uncomfortable moments (which used to be a staple for me when having my hair cut). And this was the very first time when I instantly thought "wow, I love my new hair!". In the past the best reaction would be something closer to "it doesn't look too bad... maybe I'll get used to it in a few days... I guess". But this was perfect from the get go. And it has made me oh so happy... Ecstatic even!

Haircuts: Serious business.

But who was this amazing person who managed all this?

It was my cousin. (code name: Zigu-chan)

Yeah, so it's obvious now why the whole thing was so cool and not uncomfortable. But the actual haircut is another thing. I mean, my cousin is not a stylist/hairdresser/barber/whatever and she still managed to achieve what pretty much no other person who ever laid their hands on my hair had. IT'S A MIRACLE, I TELL YOU!!

Ξαδέρφη, πραγματικά "θεά το μαλλί"!

So this is to thank her, not only for the haircut, but also for everything she's ever done for me, for simply being there for me for all these years, and for being the best friend I could ever have. Thank you Zigu-chan. :)

"Sending up a flare"

2011-09-02T00:25:00.003+03:00

Didn't feel so good today. Felt really lonely for some reason. It's weird how even when everything is fine and the days of depression are long gone, every now and then there comes a day when something minuscule can drag you back to that place.

I am not scared of that anymore. It's a familiar feeling after all, and I know that it won't last now. It's more like a memory that is coming back vividly and you're kind of reliving it momentarily.

That kinda helps, I guess... Thanks, Batman!

What caused this mood swing today? I'm not sure, although I have a couple of ideas. First of all, today is the second day in a row that the humidity has been really high here. It's not very hot, there have been much hotter days this summer, but the humidity is awful... You feel dirty right after you've stepped out of the shower. I know that definitely works against my trying to keep spirits high.

Then, since yesterday I really wanted to go out but the 2 people I tried calling kinda turned me down and then I didn't really try anyone else for fear of being rejected again. It's very stupid of my part, and I have realized it even before typing this but that's how it is. I wanted to go out and because the first 2 people I called weren't available I sulked and ended up staying in. But no matter how stupid that is and even though I know it is, I just didn't want to call anyone else. It kinda killed my mood I guess. Which, if anyone's, fault, I guess is mine. *contemplates erasing the past paragraph for 2 minutes*

*leaves it as is and continues*

The funny thing is, although days like this one aren't very pleasant (eh, that's the point after all...) I think they are somehow necessary. I guess you appreciate the happier days more this way. After all, would there be a concept of happiness if there wasn't one of sadness? Could you feel the one if the other didn't exist?

Not much else to say, I suppose, I already feel much better. I actually did some craftwork earlier and that really helped too, it took my mind off things. I wanted a box for my room where I'd throw things I couldn't organize at the moment, a "this doesn't belong here" box if you will, so I wouldn't leave them all over the place; and once every few days you empty the box and put everything where it should be. I had that in mind for days but hadn't really searched to buy one yet but today, seeing a bunch of old paperboard binders that I was planning to throw out I got an idea. (The binders were useless anyway, only the covers remained intact, the clamps were gone) So I glued the paperboard together to form a box (fascinating stuff, I know) and had a really ugly looking box. That was before I dressed it with an old t-shirt of mine though. Now it looks pretty cool, if I may say so. And I made it myself so I love it more than anything I would have bought anyway!

Anyway, I'm now feeling more sleepy than depressed (I don't think I really felt depressed today anyway, just a little down) and I guess that's my cue to go to bed. Relevant song first, Sheryl Crow's ~~Missing~~ (that's what I wanted to post and it's where the title comes from but couldn't find a video) No Depression In Heaven (originally from Carter Family) ladies and gentlemen... I'm out, goodnight, καληνύχτα, buenas noches, おやすみなさい。.

How do you say "goodnight" in catspeak? Nyansomething?

I hear the hearts of men are failing
For these are latter days I know
The Great Depression now is spreading
God's word declared it would be so

I'm going where there's no depression
To the lovely land that's free from care
I'll leave this world of toil and trouble
My home's in Heaven, I'm going there

In that bright land, there'll be no hunger
No orphan children crying for bread
No weeping widows, toil and struggle
No shrouds, no coffins, and no death

This dark hour of midnight nearing
And tribulation time will come
The storm will hurl in midnight fears
And sweep lost millions to their doom

~~(Dammit! Why did I have to choose a song before checking to see if I could find a video online? Just my luck today, anyway...)~~

Feeling weak today
Run the risk of tears
Falling down your cheeks
From all the lonely years
Holding back your love
While she races up the hill
Chase what you dream of
But always standing still

All in all you see
Everything is history
Think of all that you've been missing
And every now and then
Shadows bring you back again
To think of all the things you're missing

Lay the pictures out
Pull the curtains down
Don't let us see you breathe
Your happiness you fake
Sending up a flare
If anybody really cares
To talk a little while
The past to reconcile

All in all you see
Everything is history
Think of all the things you're missing
Every now and then
I can almost picture him
Think of all the things
Of all the things
Of all the things

Well I do
I do
Hear the morning creeping in
And the spirit sings again
Well you will
You will
See the beauty in this moment
Every time you're standing still
Time you're standing still

These times are temporary
Someday the wind will carry you home
And you'll be free
And you'll be free
No one will pull you down
You'll wake up and look around
And never again

Think of all, all that you've been missing
Ohh ohh ohh
All that you've been missing
Ohh
All and all you see
Everything is history
Think of all that you've been missing

Tori Amos - Carry

2011-08-19T19:36:00.001+03:00

A song from Tori Amos' new record, Night Of Hunters, and apparently it's the single too. Lovely song, not so great video. Simple lyrics but powerful feeling behind them. I think I love this already.

Love, hold my hand
Help me see with the dawn
That those that have left
Are not gone

But they carry on
As stars looking down
As nature's sons and daughters
Of the heavens

You will not ever be forgotten by me
In the procession of the mighty stars
Your name is sung and tattooed now on my heart
Here I will carry, carry, carry you
Forever

You have touched my life
And so that now cathedrals of sound
Are singing
Are singing

The waves have come
To walk with you
To where you will live
In the land of yore
Land of yore

You will not ever be forgotten by me
In the procession of the mighty stars
Your name is sung and tattooed now on my heart
Here I will carry, carry, carry you
Forever

The (Ironing) Ritual

2011-08-17T21:49:00.000+03:00

I used to hate ironing. Especially in summer, having to stand on your feet, ironing, for half an hour (at best) and the heat from the steam making the summer heat all the worse... And unable to fold t-shirts properly, they often ended up looking worse than before being ironed. It all seemed like a big waste of time.

So I said to myself: "I have to become that guy..."

Is it different now? Hell, yeah! And it's pretty interesting (~~yeah, you might need to double-check the definition for "interesting"...~~) but it happened gradually, with different new things I learnt.

First of all, and this might sound pretty simple but I had no idea, about a year ago a friend of mine told me I should stretch my clothes while they're still wet, right before hanging them to dry. It's pretty simple but a big step because before that everything ended up full of creases, essentially a pain in the ass when it came to ironing it.

I recently learnt how to fold t-shirts, the japanese way, and it's working really well for me. I had seen the video in the past, gave it a couple of tries and gave up but this time I really sat down and did it again and again until I had learnt how to do it. And it's not difficult, after 4-5 t-shirts I'd got the hang of it.

Also helpful for my newfound joy of ironing is my mother's iron which is the best damn iron I've ever used. (And I've used over 2 irons... Yeah...) It's got powerful steam but like my mother says, you can practically leave it on a shirt and it won't burn it. (Haven't really tried that but if she says so...) Anyway, it's making ironing much easier than it usually is.

All those combined, I can say that now ironing is not so horrible and undesirable as before. But still, there's something else that has turned ironing into almost an enjoyable experience that I'm looking forward to. (Did I really just say that? Yes? Okay then...)

It's the ritual. Today, I got up, and after washing my face and making coffee I started ironing for one and a half hours. I had 2 loads of laundry out to dry from yesterday night, and 1 more load of clean clothes waiting to be ironed over a week. So, it was quite a lot of clothes. Most of them t-shirts, a couple of shorts, underwear, one shirt, 2 sheets and pillow-cases and a few towels. And I was happy to do all that.

I'm serious!!
(source for all Friends gifs I'm using: http://fyeahfriendsgifs.tumblr.com/)

My trick to turn an otherwise dull and tedious chore into a fun experience was to combine it with something else I really enjoy so that my mind would be occupied with that while my hands would be doing the ironing. And again, that's not nuclear physics or anything, pretty simple stuff. What's my "something else"? Watching Nurse Jackie.

Big deal, huh? After all, pretty much everyone I know has the tv on the background while ironing. Well, I never said it had to be something complicated. The trick is that I'm not just turning on the tv or whatever, I'm specifically watching Nurse Jackie. It's a show I've watched already, so I don't have to deeply concentrate on it so I won't miss a line, I know the story already. And the actual trick (if you wanna call it that) is that I'm not thinking "oh, I'm gonna do the ironing now, boo..." but "oh, I'm gonna watch Nurse Jackie now again, yay!".

Thank you. Seriously...

I don't watch that show on any other occasion now, it's tied to ironing. (Well, next season doesn't start till next spring anyway) At least until I finish it again. Today I finished season 1, I went through the last 3 episodes. Ha, I guess that makes it 1 episode per load of laundry! Maybe when I finish it all, I'll pick another show. Whatever works, I guess.

Ah, to get excited over such a simple thing, really... It's good. I think there's a bigger lesson to be learnt here anyway. And hopefully I'm gonna be able to use this knowledge in many other things I resent doing. And actually get them done!

Last Window / Lost Room

2011-08-14T01:56:00.001+03:00

So, I finished Last Window (the sequel to Hotel Dusk). It's been at least 10 days now actually. I don't want to be quick to say something I might not agree with later but I think it's better than its predecessor. As I said in that previous post, Hotel Dusk has a great plot, connecting all the characters in some way to a central storyline that unfolds as you progress through the game. In Last Window not everyone is so relevant (but I guess there were a couple of not so relevant characters in HD too) but the story seems even better.

Oh, that smile...

That's probably because this time it doesn't all take place in one night so the progression feels more natural. Learning more about Kyle's past is also a bonus (well, it's one of the main plot-lines actually) and in general the end is really good. I think I enjoyed the puzzles more this time too, and also, you could get a game over without any penalty which is *awesome*! That's in contrast with HD where in order to get the good ending (extra scenes and all) you had to have no game overs, so you either had to use a walkthrough or keep resetting/reloading when you got one, instead of hitting "Try Again". I just felt more relaxed in choosing my options, not worried I might get a game over (well, I did try to avoid them just not that badly). Plus with these games sometimes you do want to get a game over because some of them are hilarious, dialogue wise.

A pretty WTF moment was when Mila reappeared (I *so* did not miss her. Jeff Angel on the other hand...) and is all "oh Kyle, draw me like one of your french girls!!". Haha, I couldn't let that opportunity go to waste so...

Yeah...

The one thing I definitely liked more in HD was Kyle's drawings. He looks good in LW too but he seems much thinner (maybe it looks that way because he's wearing suits now and not his Red Crown jacket?) and also his face looked a little off sometimes. HD Kyle looks more rough I think, and I seriously liked that.

An honourable mention goes to the food porn. Every time Kyle sits down to eat (you do follow him in everything he does pretty much, except when he uses the loo) you get to see a really tempting shot of the food (the roast chicken still haunts my mind) and I really wish I had pictures to show... Next playthrough definitely. (Oh, there *will* be a next playthrough of course!)

Searching about related stuff online I stumbled upon a discussion in a forum about who would people like to play Hyde if there was a movie. And someone mentioned Peter Krause because of the similarities between Hotel Dusk and The Lost Room. Intrigued, of course, I looked it up.

The Lost Room is a mini series, only 6 episodes, about a man trying to get back his daughter from an alternate dimension using various objects with supernatural powers while on the run from the police who think he's kidnapped her and from multiple people who collect those objects, including one of the most important ones that he currently has: the key. I feel I've massacred the description but trust me, it's better than I've probably made it sound.

The star, Peter Krause, is probably one of my favourite actors. I first saw him (and loved his acting skills) in Six Feet Under, then watched him in Dirty Sexy Money (he was great there too, especially first season, then in the second the writing was all over the place but he was still good) and currently watching him in Parenthood too. I liked seeing a familiar face here.

Doesn't hurt if it's a cute face too.

My favourite scene where I think his talent really shined was in the last episode, where he was telling a certain someone that he needed to get back his daughter. It felt really natural, I totally believed he was in agony to find his little girl, pretty intense.

Anyway, it was a great mini series, I would have liked more but maybe it would have dragged so I'll appreciate this for what it was. It's like a big movie. But I read that the story won't be left there, although this aired back in 2006, the creators are going to continue with the story in comic book format, later this year or maybe on the next. I'm not sure if I'll follow that but I liked the story and I don't have a problem with comics so maybe I will. We'll see when it gets released.

Closing with a song from Kuroshitsuji II (just watched episode 8 today) which, despite my complaints about the story compared to the original, undoubtedly has amazing music. This is "Kagayaku Sora No Shijima Ni Wa" (In The Silence Of The Shining Sky) by Kalafina.

De-cluttering, feng shui and an unrelated comic

2011-08-05T23:59:00.002+03:00

This is a pretty random post. A little bit of everything, I'd say, without a central idea.

Seriously, this has nothing to do with what I'm gonna write about! Outrageous, right?

The cleaning is still in process. That doesn't mean I'm stalling, it just means that it has taken a much bigger level than originally expected and the results will be very extensive.

Following the furniture re-arrangements I started cleaning up bookcases (getting rid of unwanted books), closets (getting rid of clothes I never wear), kitchen drawers (you must have gotten the drift so far...) and generally I'm in the midst of a big de-cluttering phase. It feels pretty good! Liberating, I'd say.

Reading about tips for better organisation online, I stumbled on a website about feng shui. I have to admit, I didn't know much about it before, only had heard a few "rules" without any explanation and so it sounded pretty silly. But there I actually read the reasons why you should do each of the things they suggest. (At least the ones I looked up!) One might still be dismissive of arguments like "it blocks the flow of the energy" if they don't believe in such things, but others like "positioning your furniture so when you're sitting, your back isn't facing a door" are more accesible to everyone. And it's pretty obvious if you think about it, your sense of security is weakened if you're sitting at a desk for hours per day, with the door behind you, it leaves you feeling vulnerable. Anyway, that's just one of the stuff I read that I wholly embrace. And reading about feng shui, put some things in perspective. I mean the things I was talking about in my last post, about my improved mood and feeling eager to do things I was postponing till now. It is certainly tied to my having changed my room. And I knew that already, but it's nice to see exactly why some things help.

On a totally unrelated note, I really wanted to re-post this from memebase:

Original source and creator: http://humon.deviantart.com/
There's a lot of good stuff there, check it out!

And closing, an also unrelated song:

"A change would do you good"

2011-08-01T13:42:00.002+03:00

I think that I have been a little down lately. In need of a little cheering up, maybe.

Yeah... Not doing that.

But sometimes all you need to cheer you up is something to change. Not something big or important necessarily, just a change.

Generally, I dislike changes. That is, changes that aren't decided by me. I like to have things done a certain way, and I am happy with the way some things are so when that changes without me wanting it, it bothers me a lot. It usually means that I have to get accustomed to a new reality, one that I might not be prepared, or willing to face, no matter how insignificant the change was. I guess that's why I have my iTunes and Opera set to "don't check for updates" and use outdated versions, because I was really frustrated by "new" features that were more of a burden rather than helpful and was forced to revert.

On the other hand, when I decide to change something, and I really want to do that, I end up enjoying it a lot. And I'm not talking about things that are stagnant and desperately need changing necessarily, but also small, trivial changes that wouldn't seem to be much of a difference but end up exciting me and so their final effect is very important. This will all make better sense if I become more specific, huh? Okay then...

I have a room, not too small, not too big, but it has an awkward structure. The way it's built, and the place where the doors and the closet are, it all makes it hard to fit everything in a satisfying way. There's a lot of space that's being wasted. And I had everything, my bed, bookcases, desk etc., fit in a specific way. It was usable, it'd been like that for 4 years now after all, but a little crammed. The last few days I had been thinking of changing it up though. The main reason, I think, was that my desk was pretty much unusable, as it was right in front of the door so I couldn't have a chair there, plus there was not enough light to study there. I didn't use it for that reason, but I recently decided I wanted to use it more (the last 4 years it's been used as a "throw everything you're not using on it" kind of furniture) so I had to find a way.

Thinking about it, I didn't seem to be able to find a way to fit it all. Would I have to get rid of something then? I tried using a measuring tape to see if my bed would fit if I turned it 90 degrees, but the results were inconclusive. Apparently it would fit, but without much, if any, space to pass to the other side of the room. And there'd be no room for the chair to my computer. Disheartened, I pretty much gave up. Until yesterday, that is.

Random photo to break up wall of text. Basically, my name in Yevon font.

I only started to clean up, and that's all I was planning to do really, but ended up doing a lot more than that. I decided that I'd try it out and see it in action if it could work or not. It didn't really work the way I initially thought, but I guess when you've started and you're willing to mix it up, you can make it work. Although I started with the goal of simply rotating my bed and moving my computer's desk a little, I ended up moving everything not nailed on the floor to a totally different place. It still looks a bit crammed, I admit, but I think everything is usable now. I can even fully open the door to the balcony (I could only half-open it before, because of a bookcase being in the way) and I'm pretty excited about that. It probably means I'll be able to use the balcony more, too.

The bottom line, besides the improved functionality of this change, is that this was something I really liked in the end. It really brightened my mood. I felt like I was sleeping in a different room yesterday, and I liked that excitement. Makes me love my room more!

Anyway, if I want to get philosophical again, sometimes it seems that a small change like that, can affect you a lot in a good way. It can unblock you, if you're being blocked, about certain things and helps you advance. After all, like one of my teachers said (he was a brilliant mathematician and a very good man) and that's one of the things he's taught me that I remember vividly, "when you're facing a problem and can't seem to find a solution, there's always the method of "do something" ". "Something" doesn't have to be the right thing necessarily, but you can't sit on your ass and wait for the problem to simply go away on its own. It can happen sometimes, I suppose, but you can't really count on that. So just do something. And maybe that "something" will lead you to another "something" and eventually you'll get "somewhere".

That's how I feel right now. There have been some things that I can't seem to finish (some of them I can't even start) and no matter how much I've tried, there's been no progress, but this rearrangement of my room's furniture has given me a new perspective, I'd say, and I think I might be able to go on now. We'll see.

Kyle Hyde... It's a good name, isn't it?

2011-07-29T23:52:00.004+03:00

Oh, the name is definitely not the only good thing about you Kyle Hyde...

I played Hotel Dusk: Room 215 two years ago. It's a great game (it's for the Nintendo DS) and I loved it but I hadn't replayed it since. I finally got the sequel, Last Window: The Secret Of Cape West, so I thought I'd replay Hotel Dusk first, to freshen up my memories of it.

They're not your typical adventure games, those two. They're closer to visual novels I guess. You do get Game Over screens and stuff, and you have to do lots of searching and quite a few puzzles to go on with the story, but most of the time you're reading dialogue. Last Window in fact has a book in the story, and after each chapter you finish playing, a chapter in the book is unlocked and you can read what has happened so far, embellished a little.

This may sound boring, and I it did to me too at first, but in the end it's like reading a good book enhanced with visuals and music and anxiety to make the right move in order to progress etc. The plot is intricate (haven't finished Last Window yet but I'd say it seems to be even better than Hotel Dusk) and every character has their own backstory which unfolds gradually. And it's amazing how the stories of these strangers end up being so tangled up together.

The graphics are nothing to write home about, but in a game like this it doesn't really matter. In fact, the use of rotoscoping for the character sprites (think of the video for Take On Me by a-ha) strengthens the retro feel of the game and fits the film noir atmosphere.

See what I mean?

It's pretty cool how they create that effect, using real actors and filming them, and afterwards sketching over the film captions. Check it out at the video, it's fascinating:

But never mind all that, the biggest selling point of the game is the protagonist, Kyle Hyde.

Pleased to meet you too, Kyle...

Let's see... Good-looking? Check.

Charmingly mysterious? Check.

Smart and witty? Check.

Badass or BADASS? Check for both!

Fucking sexy? Hell yeah...

Okay, I rest my case...

Nah, I can't shut up that easily. After all, don't misunderstand, it's not simply his good looks that have me pining after him. He's really charming and brooding. Most of his lines when you're examining things in the game (so, basically when he's talking to himself) are hilariously sarcastic. ("That's a lamp. It's tall. And I'm the king of the obvious.") Or plain sarcastic. ("It's a toilet. Big surprise, this being the bathroom and all.") And sometimes, deadpan serious. ("A shelf designed to hold alcohol. Bless you shelf.")

Anyway, he's definitely one of my favourite characters ever, and not just in videogames. In general. He is *that* great. And I'm obsessed with the game. As I was saying, I played Hotel Dusk again and finished it. Now I'm playing Last Window, I'm somewhere in the middle of the story I think, and it's very hard to put down the ds and stop playing. If only all books were available in a similar way, reading would be even more fun. And I do like reading, but I hate to say that I still haven't finished the last book I started reading, and I think I started it a few days after New Year's day. Yeah...

So, I'll be leaving you with a song from the second game. I think it's mesmerizing.

Goodnight, you.

Lovely Friday V (Excuses, memories, lies and lyrics)

2011-07-22T16:11:00.005+03:00

I don't like it that lately I only seem to post on Fridays, when I feel I "have to", but at least I do that. It's probably why I made this "theme" anyway, so I'd make a commitment to it and not abandon this again.

I kinda had a busy week anyway, preparing for the dinner party I mentioned, then having said dinner party and then cleaning up the mess. Haha, it was great I have to say, I'm pretty proud of it. I won't say more about it now though, I'll save it for a separate post (which I hope I *will* post soon, unlike, say, a certain chocolate pie recipe...)

Still waiting for that, huh? (^_^')

I'm preparing for a mini trip at the moment, I'll be back tomorrow or Sunday at the latest, so I have to make this quick.

I rediscovered a song that brings me many memories. It's a greek song, from 1993, and it's by a singer that I love very much. Her name is Eleni Dimou and she has a distinct voice, deep and sultry, really unique. What I enjoy the most about her is her songs and their lyrics (not only the ones she's written herself) because she touches on a variety of subjects, and even when she sings about more common themes, like love or relationships, it almost always has a unique approach to it.

The cover of the album the song is from: Η Ζωή Είναι Γυναίκα (Life Is A Woman)

This song is about life in general, and loving life, with all the bad and good things in it. It's called Ψεύτρα Ζωή (Lying Life). I heard it a few days ago after many years (at least 15 years I suppose!) and I remembered it instantly. I particularly remember hearing it in a morning tv show that my parents watched while we were eating breakfast and my brothers were preparing for school. I think I was in pre-school at the time, it feels like ages ago... But the melody is haunting and I only needed a couple of seconds into the song to recall it.

Everything is a bitter lie
I love you lying life, I love you
Houses, furniture, clothes, money
They stay while people go away

How many more moons will I see?
I love you lying life, I love you
Where do you place me?
In the light? In the dark?
I place you in the fire of love

I have a slum house in la la land
I breed butterflies with the blood of my old griefs

And they all fly away with no return
I love you lying life, I love you
Where do you place me?
On the sun? On the earth?
I place you on love's wound

I'd better thank god for being alive
I love you lying life, I love you
But I burn you like paper
For a pair of eyes, for a body

You're not enough for me to enjoy them
I love you lying life, I love you
Where do you place me?
In the light? In the dark?
I place you on the fire of love

It's all a bitter lie
I love you lying life, I love you
Houses, furniture, clothes, money
They all stay while people go away

One day I'll be gone too
I love you lying life, I love you
Where do you place me?
On the sun? On the earth?
I place you on love's wound...

Lovely Friday IV (another Friday post about food, and more)

2011-07-15T23:09:00.006+03:00

So, another Friday is here and this one is not so relaxed unfortunately. My brother is moving and the past 3 days I've done almost nothing but helping with that, which I did want to do, of course, but at the same time my personal time has been squeezed down a lot and I'm realizing I can't really have that. Today I was supposed to go help again but I ended up not to. I almost feel guilty about it but then I don't really think I should.

Yes, I should... NO I SHOULDN'T! Yes, I sh- OH SHUT UP!

It's because of a variety of reasons. For one, I don't think I'm really helping at all. And I'm willing to, but when you get "no, leave that to me" when you try to do almost anything, you don't have a lot of options. So you just linger there until something that you can be entrusted to do appears. That's a lot of wasted time and effort. I don't criticise being nitpicky and wanting things a certain way, but when you ask for help you can't have everything your way. Either take it or leave it.

Also, I learnt yesterday that my brother and his family would be staying at my place tonight because all of their stuff will be packed up. Notice the verb "learnt" and not "was asked" or anything. I casually heard it being discussed between him and his wife. I'm not saying I would say no if asked, although there might be an occasion when I couldn't have them over, because I'd have other guests for example, and they wouldn't know that. But no matter how much of a given some things are, it's always the polite thing to ask. I might always share my food with you, but you'll need to ask or be offered first, you can't just take it. (I did say in the title I'll speak about food, so I guess I'm trying to make up for it with this analogy? Nah, there's more coming up...) And anyway, as I wasn't really expecting guests, I kinda had to get prepared. So it's not as if I just sat on my ass all day, I was actually cleaning, doing laundry and ironing and all kinds of stuff like that because I don't want my place to be a mess when having people over. Even if they come uninvited.

Anyway, rant over I guess, and I will be sharing all this with him eventually. So now, to more interesting stuff!

I got my diploma yesterday! Remember? The professional cooking one? Yep, got it. (See, there is talk about food already) I didn't think I'd be so excited about it to be honest, but I am!

Yeah, baby!

I'm excited because I was in a slump lately, and now I can start searching for a job more seriously and intensively. I also had very good grades, which might not matter much on a practical level, but it does feel hella good.

In the subject of food still, I know I haven't posted the chocolate pie recipe yet, and I don't want to make up excuses about it. It will come. Soon. I've even typed it and have a draft ready, I just didn't want to rush it before making sure all the proportions were correct and stuff.

I also have some friends over for dinner on Tuesday, and it's kind of a big deal for me, as it's the first big dinner party I'm hosting and it's pretty thrilling. I've cooked for quite a few parties in the past, but they were usually organized by someone else and all I did was cook, but now it's all on me, from beginning to end. I've decided on the menu, playing it safe with some tried recipes and having a couple of new ones as a challenge; gathered the recipes; drafted a shopping list and on Monday I'll start the preparations. Given that it's my first big gathering here I chose recipes that I could prepare a little ahead of time and either finish or reheat at the last moment so there'd be no last minute surprises. Plus, I'm also the one hosting the party and I'm not planning on having my guests entertain themselves while I'm stuck in the kitchen cooking, so preparing ahead of time it is.

Looking forward to this, and I'll post all about it once it's done. Let's see how this goes... :)

The song now, is from this new anime I'm watching. The show is Yakitate!! Japan and it's about a young boy and bread making. It might not sound very intriguing at first, but it touches on my profession so I was very curious and it turns out it's a really good and funny anime too. I also love how you can learn tiny facts about bread making through it. It's both entertaining and a learning experience for me, ha!

I am really head over heels with the opening theme though, I've already made it my ringtone. Here are the translated english lyrics, about finding your dream and protecting it, helping it grow by believing in it and loving yourself (maybe the most important kind of love)

(the original video, with the full song, has been taken down so I chose this cute lipsync video as a replacement... :)

ホウキ雲 (Houki Gumo) - Comet Cloud

Somewhere far away there’s someone with open ears
In every city there’s people looking up at the sky
Underneath the evening sky we’re whistling a song that has no lyrics
tracing the constellations with our fingers

The cold dream you are holding
you can warm it with your magic hands
if you believe in the path you chose

On the other side of a comet you see a single star
whether it’s sparkling brightly or faintly
its light shines just for you

On the other side of the clouds in your heart the signs can’t be seen
Go on, open your hands
What do you believe in now?

On a sleepless night somebody feels alone and cries
Then in the morning, somewhere on earth, people laugh as they meet

As the destination draws near...
You’ll keep on losing your way...
So step forward with your magic
and believe in the you of tomorrow

Passing on the other side of the sky is the star from that one day that you searched for
Did you forget where it is?
Did someone else find it
The light that only shine for you

Close your eyes and clear away the darkness in your heart
Go on, open the door and what do you find behind it?

“The wind is blowing just a little
This is the last of my magic, so I have to believe in my weak heart”

Climbing a blue roof you can see how the night sky comes to life
Don’t worry about the dreams that didn’t come true
Just open your hands

Lovely Friday III (a.k.a. Yummy Friday)

2011-07-08T14:41:00.007+03:00

Wednesday was a special day and I'm always looking for an excuse to bake. Combine that with my recent desire for chocolate pie after hearing Jackie (from... Nurse Jackie) order a slice a few days ago and you get this:

Oscar's chocolate pie. Or something.

I really liked the result and this is a recipe worth sharing, so I might just do that. Maybe tomorrow! Come to think of it, this will be the first recipe I'm posting here. That's nice!

Like I was saying, I love cooking and I love baking and making sweets and desserts in general. As a matter of fact, I am a cook, although I've never really worked as one yet. I just finished with the cooking school a month ago and right now I'm waiting, I guess. I think I'm a little afraid of making the first step in the professional world of cooking and that's holding me back at the moment. I'm working on it, I think.

Cooking is very important to me, I see it as something sacred even. Being a cook, and I don't mean professionally, is a big part of me. I love learning about food, trying out new recipes and discovering new ingredients. I'm fascinated by other cultures' approach to food. I love eating food and especially enjoying it. It's almost like a ritual to me. But what I love the most about cooking is to share. I don't enjoy it as much if it's just me who's going to eat it. I prefer to cook for more people because I love seeing the faces people make when they enjoy what I've created. Never mind the actual words they'll say, the look of satisfaction on their faces is the best compliment for me. And I value that immensely.

So, yeah, this is definitely not the last time I'm going to talk about food and cooking. It's shaping up to be one of the main subjects of this blog, for sure. Meanwhile, and on the subject of lovely Friday, a very appropriate song, Yummy Yummy Yummy.

Yummy, yummy, yummy, I got love in my tummy
and I feel like loving you
Love, you're such a sweet thing, good enough to eat thing
and that's just what I'm gonna do

Ooh, love to hold you
Ooh, love to kiss you
Ooh, love, I love it so
Ooh, love, you're sweeter
Sweeter than sugar
Ooh love, I won't let you go

Yummy, yummy, yummy, I got love in my tummy
and as silly as it may seem
The loving that you're giving is what keeps me living
oh, peaches and cream

Kinda like sugar
Kinda like spices
Kinda like, like what you do
Kinda sounds funny
But love, honey
I love you

Yummy, yummy, yummy, I got love in my tummy
that your love can satisfy
Love, you're such a sweet thing, good enough to eat thing
and sweet thing, that ain't no lie

Ooh, love to hold you
Ooh, love to kiss you
Ooh, love, I love it so
Ooh, love, you're sweeter
Sweeter than sugar
Ooh, love, I won't let you go

Lovely Friday II (a.k.a. Late Friday)

2011-07-02T14:00:00.003+03:00

Okay, this is Saturday. And this was supposed to be posted on Friday so yeah, it's late. I could make up a lot of excuses but the truth is that I didn't do this yesterday morning when I had time and then later, a couple of things came up and before I knew it midnight had passed so I was late already. I also wanted to use a specific song but I realized that I'd have to make the video myself first and there's not enough time for that right now, that one will have to wait a little longer.

On a different note, happy (belated) Canada Day! :)

Anyway, about the song... The Cranberries are one of my favourite bands. In fact they are the very first band I was ever a "fan" of. First band whose albums I bought (started with Wake Up And Smell The Coffee actually) first band whose lyrics I memorized, first band that I became so invested in. It was even the first band I joined a forum about. (ah, the good old days of zombieguide...)

Now it's several years later, my enthusiasm for them has subsided mainly but I still enjoy their songs and they still have a special place in my heart. They have been significant in a very important part of my life and I will never discredit that. By the way, they are releasing a new album this year which I'm pretty excited about. In the least, it will contain Astral Projection and In It Together, two songs that have only been played live in the past and fans have been craving for them for a long time now.

It's thanks to The Cranberries and zombieguide that I met some very important people to me. A few friends overseas, a couple of close friends here and even my first love. That's big and I'm very grateful.

Oh, shut up!

I can't help but miss that period of my life. It was a simpler time, I think. God, I must sound like an old man, reminiscing about a century or so ago when it's only been 3-4 years... It's okay, I do miss it sometimes. But at the same time I appreciate it for what it was and what it gave me, because it was one of the many things that helped me become who I am today. And if I'm longing for a simpler time, I can just try to make the present time simpler. It's not my imagination.

There was a game we used to play
we would hit the town on Friday night
and stay in bed until Sunday
We used to be so free
we were living for the love we had and
living not for reality

It was just my imagination

There was a time I used to pray
I have always kept my faith in love
it's the greatest thing from the man above
The game I used to play
I've always put my cards upon the table
never be said that I'd be unstable

There is a game I like to play
I like to hit the town on Friday night
and stay in bed until Sunday
We'll always be this free
we will be living for the love we have
living not for reality

It's not my imagination...

"Black and Blue"

2011-06-30T00:48:00.004+03:00

My anime obsession is growing strong. I'm no longer in the "watching one anime at a time and when it's over pick up another one" phase. I'm juggling a lot of balls here.

My current favourites are two, Black Butler and Blue Exorcist.

Looks pretty cool, right? Well it is!

Black Butler is a show (I can still call it a show, right? Still getting used to the terminology...) that I enjoy in small doses. I savour it. I think mainly it's because I don't want it to end, but to be honest it must be the story a little too. I mean, so far at least, there haven't been many cliffhangers in the episodes I've watched so I'm usually okay with watching one episode at a time, without feeling the need to go on with the next right away. That might sound as if I'm bored with it, but I'm not. It's what I said before, I enjoy it better one episode at a time.

And then there's the newcomer, Blue Exorcist, which is the exact opposite story. I only started watching this yesterday but I have watched 5 episodes already. Which is funny, because Blue Exorcist is currently in the 11th episode so when I catch up I'll have to slow down to 1 episode a week and waiting until the next one is out.

Also funny, is how I discovered this. Which was from a post in Very Demotivational (where I discovered Beelzebub as well, another anime I'm watching). What wasn't funny was the post itself but I digress.

So far it feels like Supernatural meets Harry Potter. Two brothers who fight demons, one of them more "together" and kinda geeky, the other one more simple and hotheaded, and one of them is actually half demon too. And then they join a "magic" school where one of them will study to become an exorcist. I think the parallels draw themselves. But I don't mean that as a bad thing. It's engaging, it's fun, and like I said, it makes you want to see what's next which is never a bad thing in my book.

Having protagonists who look like this, also never a bad thing!

I also mentioned Beelzebub, I'm also watching that (one would think that the fact that I'm watching so many stories about demons or related with demons etc. and usually rooting for the "bad" guy should be concerning but... I am not worried yet!), although not as fanatically. It's okay but not breathtaking, I suppose, and I'm kinda getting tired of all the baby screams... Who ever thought having a baby yell and cry every 5 minutes would be something people would be looking forward to?

And finally there's Sailor Moon, the blast from the past, which is kinda dragging right now... I watched the first 2 seasons pretty fast (I have to admit, the whole romance arc had me hooked, I was really rooting for Usagi to get with Mamoru, my heart was breaking when she was under the impression he didn't want her... but after they got together that wasn't as fun) then the 3rd was okay too but now the 4th... Ugh, that 4th season is so horrible. Well, not horrible I guess but... No, it's horrible. I still don't want to give it up though, I've watched 3/4 of the whole series, I have to reach the end. But that will be a slow road I guess, unless the 5th season picks up (which I've read it does) and hopefully that one flies faster.

Blue Exorcist has cool music too. The closing theme is very cheesy but very catchy at the same time. And the opening theme is really good and not in a guilty-pleasure way. So, here it is, Core Pride by UVERworld:

Lovely Friday I (part 4)

2011-06-24T02:09:00.004+03:00

They say that what's simple is true. And really, there's great beauty lying in simplicity, especially when it comes to things as magnificent and complicated as love.

Phoenix & Miles by Studio Kawaii

John Lennon wrote quite a few songs on the subject, and this is one of the simplest ones, both lyrically and musically. It's a simple tune, that's hard to forget once you've listened to the song, and the few and repeating words are all it takes to captivate you. Here's "Love".

Love is real, real is love
Love is feeling, feeling love
Love is wanting to be loved

Love is touch, touch is love
Love is reaching, reaching love
Love is asking to be loved

Love is you
You and me
Love is knowing
We can be

Love is free, free is love
Love is living, living love
Love is needing to be loved

Lovely Friday I (part 3)

2011-06-24T01:59:00.005+03:00

It's baffling how far we, the human race, have come and despite the education, the wealth and technology available, this still feels like one of the darkest ages we've ever been through. We have so many things in common and we could all be so much happier if we just came together, but we choose to stay divided, focusing on our differences instead. Bigotry and hate prevail when the answer should be so simple: Acceptance. Tolerance. Love.

Seriously guys, it's 2011!

You bring me right back down to the earth from the promised land
We’re getting close to the center of the earth with an honest plan
You’ll never be your mother or your father, do you understand?
Do you understand?

We don’t have too much time here
And time it travels far too fast
We’re not too far, we’re down here
Before they take it from our hands

Why don’t you teach your heart to feel?
And give you love love
Give you love love
Give it all away
Why don’t you teach your heart to talk?
And give you love love
Give you love love
Give me give me what I need

We’ll take you right back down to the earth from the mother land
This is a first class journey from the Gods to the son of man
You’re at the gates of human evolution, don’t you understand?
Why don’t you understand?
Understand

Lovely Friday I (part 2)

2011-06-24T01:39:00.004+03:00

Romantic love. It's hard. It's painful. It's messy. It can be destructive but it can be creative as well. It's worth all the pain and suffering it will get you though, just for those moments of pure bliss when you feel that nothing else exists but you and the person you love. When time seems to have stopped, everything is frozen and all you can feel is your heart pounding and this kiss you're engaged in that you wish will never end.

I was here.

See the people sitting over there
I want to kiss and touch them everywhere
Oh no, not because I really care
Oh god, no , no, I wouldn’t dare

Love, love
I’d really like a small part of it
Oh love
I can't believe the word love

He’s had love in damp alleys
In city hall, in city libraries
We smoked it underneath the playground slide
Why did I try?
Why did I try?
Why did I try?

Oh love
We cry so very much about it
Oh love
Obsessing in the night about it
Oh love
I’d really like a small part of it
Oh love, love , love

Okay , that’s enough of that
Okay, okay now that’s enough of that
I’m getting very tired of the facts
I’m getting very tired of the fact that

It must be right
Oh, I must be right
That’s why I'm cold and alone again
That’s why I'm all on my own again
That’s why I'm throwing things around my home again
That’s why
I’m looking for love...

Lovely Friday I (part 1)

2011-06-24T01:24:00.007+03:00

Something important for each of us is love. It's a magical thing that comes in many wonderful ways through different kinds of relationships.

There's romantic love, there's love for a friend, love for your mother, love for your family, love for life, love for nature, love for god, love for people...

And I'm sure "love for videogames" counts too!

There's love that is never expressed (which is a shame), unrequited love (again, a shame), fleeting love (it's still good while it lasts), and most importantly, unconditional love. Sometimes I even think that this is the only kind of love that there is and everything else is something different. Something close but lacking one important thing: not asking for anything in return.

Anyway, I thought of a concept I'd like to try. Every Friday (partly because of Friday I'm In Love, but mostly because... well it came to me today, an hour after midnight, just as Friday had begun) I'll make a post about love, using one of the many songs about love that I... well, love!

To start with a bang, this first Friday will feature 4 posts, with 4 songs, something for every mood. So, let's start because I've got a message:

Watch out sister, watch out brother
Watch our children while they kill each other
With a gun they bought at Walmart discount stores
Welcome to the hallway, metal detectors just been installed
Hey isn't cops and robbers gettin' to be a big bore

Mary, Mary quite contrary, close the door now,
It's much too scary
And your might see something you wish you hadn't seen
Out of sight, out of time, out of patience
And I'm out of my mind
Governor, tell me what does it mean
Dance children, dance to the beat
Wanna be a hippy cause life is so sweet
Good morning hate
Dance children, dance to the beat
Wanna rock and roll up and down the street
I've got a message

Love is a good thing
Love is a good, love is a good
Love is a good thing

Politicians on a mission,
Build them up, bring them down
For the good of the system
Well we don't like the way you live your life
I got one thing I must express
We try our criminals in the press
Justice is a fading light

"What's going on?"

2011-06-17T00:30:00.001+03:00

I really don't know anymore. I keep hearing those words, "debt", "money", "economic measures", "banks", "spreads", "economy", "stocks", "bankruptcy" etc. and even the ones I used to recognize before seem without meaning now.

I don't get the real problem here. Greece is in debt. Who do we owe to? No idea, really. We're getting a loan to pay off an existing debt apparently? And this means in the future we'll owe even more. Where's the logic in that? Are we just perpetuating a state of being in debt, forever? Everyone's wage is going down, taxes are going up, prices are going up, unemployment soars and all this is happening so "we'll pay back our debt". But when is it gonna stop? From what I'm reading Greece will probably be in debt for at least as long as I'm gonna live. And maybe longer. There's no glimmer of hope here, really. No "let's bear with this for 2 or 5 or 10 or even 20 years until things start to get better". No end in sight for this awful situation we're in.

Moreover, the government has given billions of money to banks that were on the verge of bankruptcy. So we're getting loans to save the banks? Why? WHY? My paycheck is being cut down on and I'm being asked to give more money for taxes so it will all go to some banker's account?

And what really makes me wonder is this: who exactly do we owe money to? Where does it go? Who needs it that bad that we have to come to this? Again, no logic in this. I never really understood and never liked the subject of economy at school. It's all built on money and the giving and taking of it and in the end all meaning is lost. There's enough food and medicine for everyone on this planet but not everyone gets it, because you need money for it. There's people starving and there's others who throw away food. Where is the logic in all that? You can't explain that, I'm afraid.

I don't know what to hope for. A miracle? I don't know if I believe in those. Justice? I think I do believe in that but I'm being proven wrong time and again. What's worse is I don't know what to fight for. That leaves me feeling so powerless and without a clear goal, it's really disheartening.

I always thought that no matter how big a problem is, there's always a last resort: suicide. The good thing is that any time I'm thinking of it I always feel there's more in store for the future. There's always another path that hasn't been explored that can take us somewhere. Until all hope and joy is gone, that last resort can wait. There are people still living today who have survived wars, famines, earthquakes, tornadoes, fires, tsunamis, plagues and other devastating things and still live to tell the tale. They went through horrible things but didn't give up living. And they made it through and they're still here. This bleak period that has only just begun is what we need to go through and I don't know how, but somehow we'll find a way to survive.
I hope...

I hope!

"Love you!"

2011-06-13T00:22:00.001+03:00

Give a little time for the child within you

Don’t be afraid to be young and free

Undo the locks and throw away the keys

And take off your shoes and socks, and run, you

Give a little time for the child within you

Don’t be afraid to be young and free

Undo the locks and throw away the keys

And take off your shoes and socks, and run, you

La, la, la...

Run through the meadow and scare up the milking cows

Run down the beach kicking clouds of sand

Walk a windy weather day, feel your face blow away

Stop and listen: Love you!

Roll like a circus clown, put away your circus frown

Ride on a roller coaster upside down

Waltzing Matilda, Carey loves a kinkatchoo

Joey catch a kangaroo, hug you.

Dandelion, milkweed, silky on a sunny sky

Reach out and hitch a ride and float on by

Balloons down below catching colors of the rainbow

Red, blue and yellow-green: I love you.

Bicycles, tricycles, ice cream candy

Lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks

Solomon Grundy, Raggedy Andy

Tweedledum and Tweedledee, home free.

Cowboys and Indians, puppydogs and sandpails

Beachballs and baseballs and basketballs, too

I love forget-me-nots, fluffernutters, sugarpops

I’ll hug you and kiss you and love you

La, la, la...

Love you.

"Confusion x11"

2011-06-06T20:17:00.002+03:00

This is a very strange period for me. On a personal level I feel like I'm at a crossroads and I really hesitate to make a choice. I just don't think I'm ready yet. And that would be fine if I could afford to ask for more time. A little time to let the dust settle, to think through some stuff and get ready for whatever might come. But I don't have that luxury.

See, there's more than the personal. There's a general uneasiness in the people for the future. It's uncertain as usual, but things look so bad that I really see no hope for me here. So I have to make a move, and do that soon. So naturally, I'm conflicted.

The good thing is that I still have a dream and I have a hope that I can achieve it somewhere. But that "somewhere" certainly isn't here. So my best choice right now is to tie up any loose ends, finish any business that's still unfinished and get ready. Ready to leave.

I have gotten used to leaving from things that were undesirable or hard for me, but this time it's not the same. I can't simply walk away without looking back. I can't just run. I have to do it the right way. I have to be completely prepared and leave with my head high.

This is tricky, because I have a history of giving up things. But I don't regret anything I've given up because that's just how I felt at the time. And what I need to go through won't be easy and I realize that I might feel like quitting again in the future. But what will (hopefully) motivate me to stay and push through is that dream I have. I will have to persevere and not give it up this time. Not for anyone else, but for me. The stakes are high this time and I feel the weight on my shoulders, heavier each day.

Maybe I will need to disconnect for a period of time. Function without too much thinking or feeling. Just push through. I hope I'll make it.

"Try this at home!"

2011-05-31T23:10:00.002+03:00

Saw this on memebase today and really wanted to share...

"Moving on"

2011-05-27T21:32:00.003+03:00

This last year I have said goodbye to quite a few tv shows I was watching. There's shows like Brothers & Sisters, GRΣΣK or Secret Diary Of A Call Girl that ended.

Bye bye Scotty and Kevin...

And then there's all the shows that I just stopped watching...

I never stopped watching a show before. If I'd started watching something and I liked it, I continued until it ended, even though it might have become unwatchable in the process.

The first time I consciously said "screw this, this really sucks!" was this year, with Glee. I thought the second part of season 1 was pretty bad (besides the addition of Jonathan Groff, who was a guest anyway) but it wasn't until the first couple of episodes this year that I finally had enough. It was pretty funny at first but it quickly became... I don't know, too cheesy? Too unbelievable? With totally idiotic plots? So I stopped watching.

Still, that wasn't so hard, I had only invested a year of watching. With Supernatural though, that was harder. It's a show I really liked, especially for the first 2 seasons but also the next 3, and last year's finale was a really good ending to the whole show. But they decided to make another season, although the show's creator originally planned it to end exactly where it ended last year, with the big storyline having come to a conclusion. So, I kept watching but after a while I realized that it had become a chore to watch. I was like "there's been 3 new episodes already, I've got to find some time to catch up... oh well, some other time maybe" whereas I used to have a whole ritual with Supernatural episodes, I'd watch it quite late on Friday night while eating take-out. It was something I used to look forward to. Well, it wasn't like that anymore so...

After that, it became easier. There were shows that I had just started watching that I enjoyed at first (Californication, GLΩRY DAZΣ) but I quickly abandoned when the initial entertainment subsided. There was The Listener, which had a pretty good first season back in 2009 and suddenly in 2011 when the second season started plots had been abandoned, relationships suddenly changed and the whole show felt like just any other cop-show.

And then there's shows that I've watched for some time now, even until their finales this season, but I've watched their quality decrease over the seasons and it's just no fun for me anymore. So I'm not really sure I'll keep watching next year, maybe I'll give them a chance but I'm leaning on "no". Shows like How I Met Your Mother, which is just not funny anymore for me plus the plot is dragging oooooooon forever, The Office, that has been in decline for the past 2-3 seasons and with Steve Carell leaving it just won't be the same anyway, Community, which after an amazing 1st season has been pretty hit-and-miss this year, and finally House.

I loved House up until the 4th season's finale. It started going downhill from there (too soap-opera-ish) and this week with the finale it reached a new low for me. House just casually crashes a car into Cuddy's house, having the potential danger of killing 4-6 people, and then leaves walking smugly as if nothing big happened? I know it's House, a really fucked up character, but still that was too much. I have no idea how they can come back from that in a satisfying way. I won't be watching that anyway. But the worse was the discussions on the imdb boards and how many people actually cheered on House for doing what he did because "Cuddy was such a manipulative, selfish bitch that had it coming". Seriously? Cuddy was the one at fault there? And it wasn't just one guy saying that, there were many of them and that's when I realized that the character of House had become too unlikeable for me if you had to be such a misogynistic troll to be on his side.

Some of these shows I've loved and watched for years but I've come to a place in my life where I realized that you don't have to keep investing in something that doesn't fulfil you anymore just because it used to be good. (and yes, that applies to more than just television) I would hold onto things that once used to be a big part of my life even when all that remained connecting me with them was the fact that they *used* to be important. Not anymore. I still appreciate them for what they were and that isn't discarded when I give them up, but it's always good to cut off the parts that are no longer useful/meaningful/fun to make space for new things to come. That's how I see it now.

So, let's close with a song that fits (that's Bitter End by the Dixie Chicks) with a video montage of Friends, a show that I've loved from beginning to end, and currently watching for like the millionth time... :)

"I'm alive"

2011-05-04T22:37:00.002+03:00

The things I said I had to do yesterday? Done most of them, few more to go.

The things I want to achieve in general? There's still a lot of them that I might not even be close to getting.

It's all good...

There are days when I have a million things to do, even things that I look forward to doing, but I have no courage or strength, I don't know which word fits better here. I'm talking about days when I just want to lay in my bed and do pretty much nothing. Don't wanna go outside, don't wanna cook, don't wanna talk on the phone even. Just lay.

Sometimes I listen to music, some other times I don't want that either. I usually watch some of my favourite shows, eat something quickly prepared (or delivered, although not very often anymore) and just lay in bed. Or I stay under the covers, in silence, and I dream.

You see, to me, that is beautiful. And I've worked hard to achieve that. Because I used to feel so guilty and bad about myself in the past when a day that I had done "nothing significant" would end. I sometimes pushed myself to just cook for example, so I would feel better that "although I did pretty much nothing today, at least I cooked". And that's even worse than doing what "you should do", because in this case I would do what I wanted to do and then feel ashamed or guilty about it which essentially took all the joy from it.

Thank god for psychoanalysis!

Now I don't feel bad or guilty when I feel like procrastinating a little. If it's important to me to stay in for the day and do nothing, I will do just that. And everything else can wait. That's where priorities come into play.

Sometimes I'll have 10 things to do in a day but not much will to do any of them. But still, a couple of those might be urgent and important so I'll brace myself and go take care of them. And if I feel like it, strike a couple more off the list. The ones that can wait will wait. Until tomorrow, or the next day. Until they can't wait any longer. Because what's more important to me is the present. It's all happening now. Tomorrow is uncertain. There might be no tomorrow. So meanwhile, I like to live in the present and enjoy it too.

And even all those things that I'm looking forward to; the things I've been anticipating for a while now; all the things that are still missing, they can wait too. For as long as they need to.

I can wait too. :)

Nothing I say comes out right
I can't love without a fight
No one ever knows my name
When I pray for sun, it rains
I'm so sick of wasting time
But nothing's moving in my mind
Inspiration can't be found
I get up and fall but

I'm alive!
I'm alive! Oh, yeah!
Between the good and bad's where you'll find me
Reaching for heaven
I will fight
And I'll sleep when I die
I live, my life, I'm alive!

Every lover breaks my heart
And I know it from the start
Still I end up in a mess
Every time I second guess
All my friends just run away
When I'm having a bad day
I would rather stay in bed
But I know there's a reason
I'm alive...

When I'm bored to death at home
When he won't pick up the phone
When I'm stuck in second place
Those regrets I can't erase
Only I can change the end
Of the movie in my head
There's no time for misery
I won't feel sorry for me

"After Easter"

2011-05-02T00:29:00.010+03:00

May 1st, a new month just started! But the Easter Holidays (my favourite thing about Easter) are over. Damn.

Am I the only one who wishes anime crying, drops of sweat
and rage marks etc. happened in real life?

How was Easter? Lots of wasted time for me. And not all of it the good kind. Cause, for example, the 2 days I spent at home watching anime, playing Tetris and ordering take-out (shamelessly) one could say were wasted time too, but at least I enjoyed those. The 5-6 days that I was away was wasted time of the bad kind. The one you can't wait till it's over.

Well, if I want to be honest (and I do) there were good moments there too, but I don't know, I think I'm a little sad because the whole 2 weeks seemed to fly by so quickly. And tomorrow everything goes back to normal, and the worst part is that this "normal" routine will stay like this for only a while. After May I don't know exactly what I'll be doing yet. And that kinda scares me, I have to say. But I'll postpone worrying about it for a little bit more. :)

Plus it makes a delicious soup.

Meanwhile, in my fascinating life, my anime obsession grows stronger by the day. I have finished Death Note (it's been a while now, about a month maybe?) which I loved (!) for the first part and apart from the introduction of Mikami, I hated the second part. Yes, I wanted Light to win in the end, but what did I get? A fucking brat weirdo trapping him apparently in a totally stupid way. And after having dodged some much more dangerous situations in the past Light supposedly falls for it. Yeah, totally believable. I just hate how sometimes people go for the obvious choice of "having good prevail" and then ruin the story for it. I mean, one of my favourite things about Death Note was how ambiguous Light's motive was. He wasn't good or bad, he was somewhere in the middle. He was killing people but you kinda felt for him because he had a goal and some rules about it, it's not like he was a cruel monster at first. But they ended up making him one so whatever.

After that I watched Now And Then, Here And There and Serial Experiments: Lain. I really liked the first, although it was pretty heavy which probably means I won't watch it again soon. The second one... I really thought I'd love it. I mean, from what I'd heard and read about it, it really seemed interesting and something I would like a lot. But... not really. I mean, I did like it, but I found it too hard to follow and frankly, too weird for my tastes. Weirder than Evangelion, yes. But anyway, I still appreciate it I think.

Currently I'm watching Sailor Moon (shut up, it's my thing, I love it) and besides the nostalgia factor (this was airing here when I was... well, barely born) I find it very enjoyable as a whole. This would probably go in the "guilty pleasures" category but as I said it's my thing, let it go.

"Is that all?" you might think. Well, no! I am also watching Kuroshitsuji - Black Butler (just started yesterday) and once again I realize that I can't keep my "I'll never fall in love with fictional characters again" resolution. Yes, Sebastian might be a demon but he's got the looks (totally my type of guy) he's got the charm and he can bake too! What's not to love? After all, he's one hell of a butler.

Now you know what to get me for my birthday. No excuses.

I'm pretty sure I had a couple more things I wanted to talk about but right now I'm drawing a blank. After all, these past two days I've kinda been doing chores around the house, I just finished ironing for example, and right now, a few minutes after midnight, my thoughts are drifting away due to lack of sleep. It's okay, I'll want to have things to talk about in my next posts which I'm planning to make more frequent. Why exactly I don't know, it's not like there's anyone reading this right now except maybe 1-2 people besides me. And that's a big "maybe", I realize. But still, it feels good to get it out at least. That's a big step too.

So, anyway, Monday is almost here (curses!) and tomorrow I have school again, plus at least about 20 things I need to do (okay, okay, I'm exaggerating... it's barely 19 things) and I haaaaaaaaaate it. Like, hate it hate it. So, quite predictably I believe, I'll end with Manic Monday by The Bangles (you go girls!) which perfectly describes my feelings for Mondays. (I also thought of The Boomtown Rats' I Don't Like Mondays but that's too bloody for my tastes)

"Is your mirror lying?"

2011-04-15T15:05:00.004+03:00

Someone once said "if you need people to tell you you're great, you're not". (I love using phrases like "someone once said" even it's some guy on youtube that I've been kinda crushing on lately)

I was talking about that with my brother a few days ago and it's something I strongly agree with. Basically, you can sum it up like this:

That could be my child if I ever had one.

Well, for more serious talk...

Approval and compliments are always welcome and pretty much everyone loves to hear a good word about their work, achievements, etc. But that's where it ends for me. Not getting heaps of praise about something I did well won't send me into a spiral of depression or self-pity because I really know that it was good. If, on the other hand, I have done something mediocre or even bad and there are people who still tell me it's great that won't change my perception either. However, I might think they're kiss-asses.

Ultimately, it's all about being self-aware and really knowing your worth. If you really know what you're capable of and someone says otherwise, it might piss you off but it shouldn't make you doubt yourself. You shouldn't need others' praise to validate yourself. Because if you do, what happens when it stops? Do you just break down and abandon whatever it is you're doing?

On the other hand, you should also know, even if you don't want to admit it to others, when something you've done is mediocre or even bad. I have done some okay things in the past, let's say a cake for example, a cake that was okay but not really good. And I knew what I had done wrong and I knew how the cake should really be in order to be really good. But people still loved it. Even when I said "it's not so good, it needs a lot of improvements" there were people who said "nah, you're obviously exaggerating because you're a perfectionist, this is delicious" (am I really a perfectionist? I don't know, let's hold that thought for another time) and I heard that and accepted that the cake was good for their standards. But I didn't go all "hmm, maybe they're right, maybe this is really good after all and I'm just being self-deprecating here". You need to be in touch with what you've done. With who you are. Then what others say won't affect you much when it comes to criticism.

That reminds me of this scene from Six Feet Under (probably the best show I've ever watched) and it really hits the nail on the head:

When discussing this with my brother, he said that this behaviour might seem snobbish to some people. I realize that to be true, when you don't care too much about other people's opinions and dismiss them because you know better, that does sound snobbish. But you know what? I'd rather be called snobbish by someone who doesn't know me any better while being stable and in touch with my feelings and self-awareness than be manipulated and affected by their remarks on me. See, even on this subject, I am aware of how what I'm saying might be perceived. And really I'm not a snob. Maybe just a little.

Finally, another thing, my brother also mentioned that there are people who might be really good at something and not really know it or not believe in themselves. I get what he's saying, but to me that sounds more like having potential to be good rather than actually being good. The seeds are there, definitely, but there needs to be growth before you reach the full bloom phase. And I say that with the knowledge of someone who has been there. I have been really insecure in the past, I have been blocked by people's disapproval and generally been delayed in what I wanted to do because I didn't fully believe in myself. The good stuff is still there but you can't really access it until you grow up and find the faith in yourself that you've been missing.

So, here's to all the dormant seeds that still don't know how beautiful they can be when they blossom, a greek song by one of my favourite artists (and one of the few greek artists I listen to, really) Theodosia Tsatsou with english lyrics too (it's the first video I've ever made, and no, it's not perfect! I know that myself, but it's still a good start and it gets the point across, ha!). Here's to all the perfect children out there!

"Error: Unspecified Recipient"

2011-04-07T20:32:00.005+03:00

There are a couple of things I'd like to say to some people but I ultimately hold back, be it for tact or not wanting to create a scene, or even for fear of being misunderstood in some cases. But holding it in isn't good for me either so I thought I'd just release these messages to the universe without specifying who the target is. I'll still feel better to have said them.

If you're reading this, chances are none of these things are meant for you. Each "letter" is for a specific person, and for that person only.

A) Fuck you and your fucking negativity! Even in the brightest of days you can always sneak in a bad omen or whatever and I don't care if it is even 99% sure to be true. Just let me have my fucking day. Thank you.

There's a reason for those rose-coloured glasses in my banner

B) I'm sick and tired of you being sick and tired. Um, do something about it already? Or I don't know, if you enjoy being like this at least stop fucking whining about it? But seriously, this is not okay, do something to get over it. That was my free advice for the day, you're welcome.

C) I love you and I wish I could see you more often. I know that both our schedules and especially our not living closer are to blame but it's okay, I cherish every moment we spend together. And I thank you for all of it.

D) You don't always need to understand me or why I'm doing what I'm doing, just accept that we don't have the same way of thinking and that it's okay that we don't. It'll be much easier then.

E) I'm pretty sure that if I could choose, I wouldn't have you in my life. But you're in it anyway, so I'm trying to be accepting and tolerant, the same way I ask of others. Please don't test my tolerance any further with your stupidity and ignorance.

F) Seriously? You're trying to give *me* advice? Of course, I know you're just doing it to try to seem intelligent and better than me but you just come off as an ignorant, arrogant jerk which is exactly what you are. Nevermind that your "advice" is total bullshit by the way. Mind your own business and get out of my way, and everyone is happy, you fucking failure of a human being.

Damn right!

I don't think I could end this without a song, so here's Tori Amos performing "Cruel" in one of the best performances of the song.

So don't give me respect
don't give me a piece of your preciousness
Flaunt all she's got in our old neighbourhood
I'm sure she'll make a few friends
Even the rain bows down
let us pray as you cock-cock-cock your mane

No cigarettes, only peeled Havanas for you

I can be cruel, I don't know why
Why can't my ba.ll.oo.n stay up in a perfectly windy sky?
I can be cruel, I don't know why

Dance with the sufis
celebrate your top ten in the charts of pain
Lover, brother, bougainvillea
my vine twists around your need
Even the rain is sharp like today
as you sh-sh-shock me sane

No cigarettes, only peeled Havanas for you

I can be cruel, I don't know why
I don't know why...

"You want a piece of me?"

2011-04-03T00:15:00.009+03:00

Well, do you?

Le "Savarin Chantilly"

Yay, after 2 tries (this being the second one) I finally made this. What is "this"? Why of course, another french dessert. Savarin Chantilly.

The first try was a disaster. The dosage of ingredients for the dough/paste was low already for the mould I had, but then, to make matters worse, I managed to screw it up somewhere and it didn't really rise properly. Knowing that I would never reach a perfect result with that start, I baked it nonetheless after the second rising and I ended up with something resembling a big biscuit of barely 3 centimetres high. A mess in a few words.

Second attempt, yesterday afternoon. Used a different recipe, saw the dough rising into promising levels, filled the mould and let it rise again. Second rising wasn't so good, but it was still satisfactory, I think. Baked it, made the syrup, plunged it in when it came out of the oven and it pretty much absorbed it all. Finally, today after lunch, I garnished/decorated it with fruit (strawberries, kiwi and orange) macerated in sugar and sour cherry liqueur.

(BTW that was supposed to be kirsch, but I had none of that so...)

So, yeah, macerated fruit, apricot glaze on top and some unsweetened whipped cream in an erratic pattern (I blame my not having a real pastry bag for that... Cheap knock-off thing-y will only do so much, plus having 7 people yelling at you to be quick and bring them dessert doesn't help either... But that should be no excuse.) and that was that.

After all this trouble I'm really happy to say that it was well received in the end. My gripes with the decoration weren't really a trouble for anyone else. The taste was pretty good. I would say "really good" but I'm not one to tout my own horn... Or well, I can be sometimes, but still this needed improvement and next time I'll be able to say it was *really* good.

So, that piece I promised you...

Looks good, tastes even better!

Bon appetit!

P.S. A song to close this post... Seems random but it's not as I've been obsessed with Tetris again lately (literally had symptoms of the Tetris effect too, a.k.a. seeing falling Tetriminos in real life etc.) and what these guys did is really cool:

"You can hear the whistle blow a 100 miles"

2011-03-30T15:23:00.001+03:00

This is a song called "500 Miles". (Nope, it's not the addictive yet slightly annoying song by The Proclaimers)

It has been sung by many different people, in various versions, with altered or added lyrics but I'll focus mostly on the original version. (which in turn, was probably based on an older, folk tune)

Before that though, I found this song because Josh Ritter has covered it live. And it's a really sweet version, sung together with his (then) wife Dawn Landes. (unfortunately, I've read that they're no longer together)

But then I went and listened to the original too. That one has more verses actually, and it's quite different in the style that it's sung. The lyrics are melancholic (the song is subtitled "Railroader's Lament") but yet the singer, Hedy West, sings them matter-of-factly. There's a comment in that youtube video that explains:

"Appalachians are fascinating people. They don't get emotional; never too sad or too happy. Hedy is a perfect example. Listen to her, it's really just her a banjo and she sings the lyrics 'straight.' Not much emotion or sadness. Very strong people, mountain people."

That is fascinating, indeed.

I couldn't find the complete lyrics anywhere online so I wrote them down myself:

If you miss the train I'm on, you will know that I am gone
You can hear the whistle blow a 100 miles
A 100 miles, a 100 miles, a 100 miles, a 100 miles
You can hear the whistle blow a 100 miles

If my honey said so I'd railroad no more
I'd sidetrack my engine and go home
And go home, and go home, and go home, and go home
I'd sidetrack my engine and go home

Lord I'm one, Lord I'm two, Lord I'm three, Lord I'm four
Lord I'm 500 miles away from home
Away from home, away from home, away from home, away from home
Lord I'm 500 miles away from home

I told in my little letter just as plain as I could tell her
That she'd better come along and go with me
Go with me, go with me, go with me, go with me
She'd better come along and go with me

My clothes are all worn and my shoes are all torn
Lord I can't make a living this a-way
This a-way, this a-way, this a-way, this a-way,
Lord I can't make a living this a-way

If this train runs right I'll be home tomorrow night
For I'm coming down the line on number 9
Number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9
For I'm coming down the line on number 9

Not a shirt on my back, not a penny to my name
Lord I can't go back home this a-way
This a-way, this a-way, this a-way, this a-way
Lord I can't go back home this a-way

If you miss the train I'm on, you will know that I am gone
You can hear the whistle blow a 100 miles
A 100 miles, a 100 miles, a 100 miles, a 100 miles,
You can hear the whistle blow a 100 miles

"Words are flowing out..."

2011-03-30T13:18:00.009+03:00

Can you say "art"?
Can you say "meaningful"?
Can you say "random"?
Can you say "we got bored while drinking coffee and started being silly"?

Poetic or POETIC?

Actually, that's incorrect. The "started being silly" part, I mean.

You see, this was umm... created by me and my cousin (the same one I mentioned earlier) and the thing is, we never stop or start being silly. It's always on, man!

Anyway, the photo was taken some time around Christmas or New Year's (you can see the festive lights hanging by the window) and I'd like to think that it has a special meaning now. You see, the specific Starbucks it was taken in was one that we'd go to a lot, and we've spent some pretty awesome and important moments there.

As of a few days/weeks now though, that specific coffee-shop is no more. Sure, there's a new one 2 blocks away but this specific one is closed. And this is my goodbye of sorts, to that place. (I think the building is gonna be used as a fabric store and I'm pretty sure I won't be one to visit...)

The "meaning" I thought of while creating the setup in the photo was something like "questions and wonderments keep falling out of my cup" (the "house" in the background is totally random though) and I'm gonna use that as a link to the song I'll share today. (naturally...)

So here's Fiona Apple's version of John Lennon's "Across The Universe"

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind
Possessing and caressing me

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes
They call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box
They tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe

Sounds of laughter, shades of earth are ringing
Through my open ears inciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns
And calls me on and on across the universe

Jai guru deva...
("I give thanks to the heavenly teacher")

"Let there be Light"

2011-03-29T18:03:00.027+03:00

I could really make this post just for the song at the end. I do love it so much that I wouldn't need a special excuse to introduce it. But my cousin, the aspiring otaku that she is, recently (as in, 4 days ago) introduced me to Death Note.

It's basically the 2nd anime I've ever watched (I'm not counting anything I might have watched in the past that was dubbed in English or Greek). I do like it better in the original Japanese audio with English subtitles. In fact, the files I have for Death Note have both English and Japanese audio and I just *can't* stand the English dub. It just doesn't make sense to my ears! Now that I think about it, I might be turning into an anime fan too...

Anyway, I've watched 20 episodes (out of 37) since Sunday night and I think it's safe to say that I like this. (See, I'm refraining from expressions of love yet...) But I do love the main character, Yagami Light, already, although he is the bad guy. Kinda.

"Taste My Apples" by ObiWan060

He's basically like Dexter, as in he's decimating bad guys in general (although he's also killing people who try to find/catch him even though they're not criminals) but he doesn't have to worry about blood and fingerprints. He has a supernatural way to do his deeds. He writes the name of the "victim", the time of death and (optionally) the cause of death in his special notebook, the Death Note, and then it just happens.

So far the main story is between Light and L, another young man who works with the police and tries to find who the killer (called Kira by the police) is and arrest him. They work together and there's an enjoying back-and-forth between them, almost like a cat and mouse game, where L tries to prove that Light is Kira while Light tries to avoid suspicion and in the meantime get rid of L. It's really interesting, and I'm probably not describing it in the best way right now (kinda tired, but what excuse is that?!) but you should check it out.

Anyhoo... Light is pretty sexy (especially when he goes all evil and he's more... uhm... dark rather than light) and he's my connection to the song I mentioned in the beginning. (Having written this post so far, it all seems like a great big mess... It all seemed much neater in my head, ugh)

"I Am Kira" by hiddengems

The song is "Lantern", by Josh Ritter, possibly my most favourite male singer ever, and certainly one of my favourite songwriters. His music is amazing, his lyrics can take you places (I'll certainly share more songs in the future, as I said I love him!) but furthermore, he's such a shining person, I can't recall one live video of him on stage where he isn't smiling. And it's such a bright and radiant smile that he has, it really warms my heart.

Josh Ritter official site

So, the song is from his latest album, So Runs The World Away (my most played 2010 album, and number 1 in my 2010 Top 10) and it's one of my favourites from it. (others include "Change Of Time", "The Remnant" and "Folk Bloodbath") I'll let the song and the lyrics speak for themselves...

Be the light of my lantern, the light of my lantern, be the light
Be the light of my lantern, the light of my lantern tonight
Be the light of my lantern, the light of my lantern, be the light
I need light in my lantern, light in my lantern tonight

It's a hungry world out there
Even the wind will take a bite
And I can feel the world circling
Sniffing round me in the night
And the lost sheep grow teeth
Forsake the lambs and lie with the lions

Where the living is desperate
Precarious and mean
And getting by is so hard
That even the rocks are picked clean
And the bones of small contention
Are the only food the hungry find

Where the thistles eat the thorns
And the roses have no chance
And it no wonder that the babies
Come out crying in advance
And the children look for shelter
In the hollow of some lonesome cheek

And the sky's so cold and clear
The stars might stick you where you stand
And you're only glad it's dark cause
You might see The Master's hand
And you might cast around forever
And never find the peace you seek

For every cry in the night
Somebody says, "Have faith!"
"Be content inside your questions"
"Minotaurs inside a maze"
Tell me what's the point of light
That you have to strike a match to find?

So throw away those Lamentations
We both know them all too well
If there's a Book of Jubilations
We'll have to write it for ourselves
So come and lie beside me Darling
And let's write it while we still got time

So if you got a light, hold it high for me
I need it bad tonight, hold it high for me
Cause I'm face to face, hold it high for me
In that lonesome place, hold it high for me
With all the hurt that I've done, hold it high for me
That can't be undone, hold it high for me
Light and guide me through, hold it high for me
I'll do the same for you, hold it high for me

I'll hold it high for you, cause I know you've got
I'll hold it high for you, your own Valley to walk
I'll hold it high for you, though it's dark as death
I'll hold it high for you, and then gets darker yet
I'll hold it high for you, though your path seems lost
I'll hold it high for you, through the thieves and rocks
I'll hold it high for you, I'll keep you safe from harm
I'll hold it high for you, until you're back in my arms

Charlotte Malakoff au Chocolat

2011-03-27T22:40:00.020+03:00

Made this a couple of days ago but it was to give away so no photo of it sliced, unfortunately. And it's kinda funny because in this photo you can't really tell this is a Charlotte (no visible ladyfingers/biscuits à la cuiller) and you certainly can't see the chocolate-y centre because of the whipped cream topping. I'm positive I'll make another one soon though and that one will be for keeps...

Where's my spoon? Never mind, I'm diving in!

The recipe was, of course, by Julia Child (I love her!) and I'll probably post it too when I re-make it and have more photos.

And to end with another french touch (as I was telling someone today, in a previous life I was probably living in Provence and people called me Oscar, that's where I got my love for garlic and herbs, ha!) ma cherie Dalida singing "Histoire D'Un Amour"

"I'm In Here"

2011-03-23T17:37:00.017+02:00

This is for everyone who has ever been depressed. For everyone who spent days, weeks, months or even whole years withdrawn and stuck, not being able to feel much besides a great big hole that's hurting and then leaving them numb. For everyone who has spent periods of their life that they can't recall much about because all that seemed to happen is going to sleep, waking up, eating and breathing with not much else in between.

Sia official site

This is for everyone who is depressed. It's not just "something you feel" or something "you can just get over" like some people think. It's not a fancy way to say you're unhappy. It's a real thing. Something you need to go through for some reason, and it can't just go away if you ignore it.

You need to live through this phase and when you are through, it will have made you much stronger than before. I have been there. I think it's very possible that I'll be depressed again in the future, but I believe it will be for a shorter period. And that's because now it's a familiar thing to me. I'm not afraid of it. I acknowledge that those dark periods of my life have played a big part to shape up my personality. I am defined by my sadness as much as I am defined by my happiness. It's all part of the game.

But yeah, I've been through the phase where nothing makes sense. When there's little to no hope and you're just hanging by a thread. When you just exist but don't really know why.

I started listening to this song a couple of months ago. I wasn't depressed anymore, that had happened in the past, but this song reminded me of how I felt. And I cried. I cried for that part of myself who had been so down, hopeless and lonely and sad. I cried because I felt sad for the "me" of the past. Sad and guilty, because I hadn't really been there for me. There was a part of me that was sad for some reasons that I knew very well, but instead of taking care of that I shut it off and basically told that part of me "come back when you get over it". I let myself down and I really felt bad for that. And so I cried while listening to this song, and that made me feel better.

So, this is for all of you, all of us who have ever been depressed or are still going through it. It'll get better eventually. :)

I’m in here, can anybody see me?
Can anybody help?
I’m in here, a prisoner of history.
Can anybody help?

Can you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I’ve been waiting for you to come rescue me
I need you to hold all of the sadness I can not
Living inside of me

I’m in here, I’m trying to tell you something.
Can anybody help?
I’m in here, I’m calling out but you can't hear.
Can anybody help?

I’m crying out,
I’m breaking down,
I am fearing it all.
Stuck inside these walls, tell me there is hope for me.
Is anybody out there listening?

Just a small thing though: Sometimes the person you need to come rescue you is your own self. Other than that, if you do need help, go ask for it. Sometimes everyone is willing to help, the whole universe is ready to set the wheels in motion and all you need to do is speak the word. And don't forget, help comes when you need it most. But that's another song, for another post...

"Throw it on the wall..."

2011-03-21T01:05:00.013+02:00

So, I was listening to Friday by Rebecca Black (it's already legendary, you can't not know it!) and the lyrical brilliance (like, totally!) inspired me.
"Gotta get fresh" I thought; "Gotta get cereal". And that's what I decided to do.
No, not the cereal part. The "fresh start" with this blog part.

First things first: when you want to start anew, you have to wipe the slate clean, a.k.a. in this case, wipe out all the old posts. They were irrelevant and would serve no purpose anyway. Next step? Get a new banner. I wanted something classy and not at all tacky or over the top.

...obviously.

Poor thing...

Um, let's see, my artistic vision about the banner... It's basically the "throw everything on the wall and see what sticks" mentality. And it's very fitting if you consider my motivation to start this blog from the beginning.

I'll explain.

This blog never really had a specific purpose. No goal means low motivation which means decline in posts and eventually abandonment. Yes, my last post here was last April, almost a year ago. And before that there were 6 months of no posting. So, what's different now?

Well, I've realized that I do want to post. I do want to share things and speak out. No idea who, if anyone, will read it but hey, if I want to say it, I will say it. And in order to not push myself into a corner and eventually stop posting once more, I now have absolutely no theme for this blog. It's gonna be a little bit of everything. The "throw it on the wall" thing I was talking about later? My not-so-subtle banner seems kinda appropriate now, huh? Yes, my dears, I am a lot smarter than I let on.

... Ahem... What was I saying? Oh yeah, about this blog. I don't think I should tell you what to expect from it. (I'm basically talking to myself right now, because let's not kid ourselves (a.k.a. myself) who else is gonna be reading this?)

I've thought of writing a blog about cooking and recipes and stuff. Never got around to doing that. I've thought of writing a blog about songs and lyrics and thoughts about them, philosophical rants etc. Never took off. I've even thought of "writing" a blog filled with pictures of hot guys. Never happened. See a pattern there? It's the "can't stick with the plan for more than 5 fucking minutes" pattern. So, I've come to terms with it and came to the conclusion: Fuck it! We'll do it live!

So, yeah, this is gonna be a little bit of everything mixed together. And then some. Maybe eventually this will shape up to be something specific with a certain direction. (Totally not holding my breath for that!) Maybe not. Who cares?

That's it for today, and to play us out (SEE? HOW HARD WAS THAT BILL O'REILLY?) we have Alanis Morissette's "You Learn", performed in sign language by this lovely woman, Sophie.